listen up

November 13, 2016

There’s 1000 things I want to talk about, but what I’ve got today is a shout out to some of my favorite podcasts.

Another Round

Code Switch

About Race

The Undefeated

The Read

No Comments »

hello 2016

January 2, 2016

It’s cold. Which is what happens here in the winter when the rain stops and the sun comes out. Especially if the wind picks up. Shivers. Even the puddles at the dog park were frozen over. So starts 2016 – all bundled up and wearing sunglasses.

I have a plan for this year. Read more books, start writing again, make some art, keep playing music, work out more than not working out, make food, see my friends more often, get rid of some stuff, stay curious, say yes more than no.

 

No Comments »

things i definitely don’t need anymore

December 5, 2012

It all came together today. All these strands of things I’ve been thinking about and letting simmer in the back of my mind. It’s so gratifying. I have this story I’ve been telling myself about myself for what seems like forever. And the basic outline is that when it comes to intimate relationships, I’m somehow broken. I have different versions of this story. There’s numb me and checked out me and shut down me. And for years now I’ve been convinced that I just can’t do closeness or can’t sustain it or can’t nurture it along in a real way. And today I was vaguely thinking about what I wrote yesterday about contradictions and also thinking about something MTB said, and it dawned on me that this is such a bullshit story and I’m so sorry I’ve saddled myself with this crap. Because the thing is, numb me, shut down me, checked out me – that’s not some inherent flaw – that’s me coping with choices that don’t fit, that’s me trying to make untenable contradictions tenable, that’s me trying to convince myself that a situation where it doesn’t feel safe to open up and be vulnerable is because I don’t know how to do those things, as opposed to the situation being unsafe. Checked out me is me being in all the way in my head and dismissing my gut. Shut down me is me hitting my logic hard and ignoring my intuition. Not that these things have to be mutually exclusive, but good god, I know there’s something wrong when I go numb. And the big ass lie I’ve been telling myself is that something is wrong with me.

I’m not letting myself off the hook for my many flaws and short comings. I am so incredibly imperfect. For fucking sure. But of course I can open my heart to someone. Of course I can trust someone. Of course I can nurture and be nurtured and struggle along with people who will speak to all of that, who can hold me accountable to bring those qualities to the table. And of course, totally of course, I figure out when and who to do things with and and who and when not to. I know there’s no guarantee I won’t get fucking hurt in the process. Right?! Best case scenario, fucked up shit happens to someone at some point, but life is short and hopefully I can figure out ways to handle my hurts and losses. The thing is I am not inherently broken. Not at this point in my life. And I really don’t need this fucked up story any more.

It’s just so fucking funny that it’s taken me soooo long to figure this out. But maybe it’s turning 50 or the cusp of my 1/2 birthday. And/or looking at the possibilities that are around me now. And/or having friends who will hang out with me for 8 hours straight and let me whack the crap out of shit in their yard with a machete. And/or the magic tram and bike rides and sunsets and night skies and food someone made or ate.

3 Comments »

i should be sleeping

October 19, 2012

I should be asleep. Seriously. I got so little sleep last night. But tonight I promised the midwives I would tackle at least a little freelance  web work for them and I avoided doing it until late and now it’s 11:32pm. I am operating on . . . I don’t know what, exactly. I keep thinking I am going to enter an alternate universe any moment now. In fact, driving home from dropping Remy off at the airport tonight, I hit a stretch of Powell and all the sudden I thought “where the fuck am I?” I actually felt like I was driving in Indianapolis, like maybe down Kessler or Keystone, which I rationally knew wasn’t true, but it really felt like that’s where I was and that feeling lasted for maybe 20 blocks. At some point I just started enjoying it, like “ok, I’m in. Because how often is this trippy feeling gonna happen?”

I started a list today that I wish someone would have started for me years ago, which maybe sounds whinier than I mean to be or feel about it. And I’m not even sure why I’m blogging about it because it’s kind of cheesy and a little “inner voice” and . . . oh I don’t know. . . it’s really just a list of what works for me to be me and how to be more deeply alive and present or awake in world. If you’ve been reading my blog, you can guess some of the things on the list: riding my bike, food (making it, eating it, growing it), music, etc. Even though I’ve got nothing to base it this on, I actually think it’s going to be helpful when I am feeling stuck or more neurotic than even I can tolerate or in some stupid funk. I think I will see ride my bike or walk and I will be able to say myself “get on the bike, dude” and then actually get on it.  Also, it feels like I made this list because I am preparing for something, but what exactly – rain? winter? more productive writing? Or maybe I am just trying to be a real adult and help myself take care of my heart and psyche. The list has been an interesting and unexpected experience and I’ve decided to just go with it. Embrace the sincerity of it all.

Ok, now it’s midnight and I am yawning. It is ridiculous to be up and blogging right now. I love this song playing at this second, though. From 2009, Atlas Sound kind of channeling Beach Boys.

1 Comment »

test

August 20, 2010

looking out from tram to the north

No Comments »

midwesternly

February 3, 2010

Until I write my own ode to the midwest this weill have to do for. Just because your state is flat doesn’t mean you’re in the Midwest.

2 Comments »

Everybody needs a helping hand

December 14, 2009

My girl in western Mass could really use your help.

No Comments »

oh joy

October 8, 2009

Joy.

There is joy even when you’re grieving. Sometimes right in the midst of it, like at the funeral. And sometimes right along side it, like when a friend has a baby and you meet him for the first time and he smiles at you. Or another friend gets married and you fly home and gather around with a bunch of other friends to say “right the fuck on.”

I was sitting with Kate watching Ned and Kristi dance their first dance and wondering what were they talking about up there. We speculated for a little bit and then lapsed into, well, I can’t speak for Kate, but I lapsed into something like delight. Because Ned looked so damn happy.

I’m not sure Ned left Kristi’s side for more than a few minutes the whole night. I remember saying to Pat and Rachel when we were flying home that it felt like Ned had been waiting his whole life to love someone the way he loves Kristi and he just wasn’t gonna hold back.

It’s something else, man. I’m so glad i got to be there.

1 Comment »

nothing is nothing is nothing

October 7, 2009

How do you miss absence? I need to figure out how to explain it because that’s what it’s like missing my dad. I miss this place where mostly there was nothing punctuated by these brief appearances of something that reminded me how I was way too used to all that nothing.

Sometimes it’s like I made him up. Not because he’s dead, either. But becasue he was mostly story to beign with.

Its impossible. Not impossible in a good way how when you fly you get so high that it is impossible to understand you are miles from the ground. You look out the window and it’s fascinating, not at all like looking out a 5 story building or peaking over the edge of stadium balcony, which is something that makes me feel like my testicles are retracting, except I don’t have any testicles. Just balls.

I once loved this girl who hates me now. Every time she sees me she either walks out of the room or the building or she just acts like I’m not there. It makes me wonder if nothingness is in my DNA.

I don’t know what I’d have done if I hadn’t moved back to RU’s this year.

No Comments »

funnel clouds

October 7, 2009

I had a dream last night I was in a tornado. Mostly what I remember is this super dark sky filling up with funnel clouds, maybe four or five, and how we laid in a ditch with our cats but no one put Sasha in a crate so she ran away. I woke up feeling  pissed and sad.

There was also this 72 year old lady storm chaser. She had a perm and wore a pant suit and her retired husband drove her from storm to storm.

The thing I didn’t think about until I got to work is how in the dream I knew it was gonna be fucked up but I wasn’t scared. It was this whole exerise in absurdity except it wasn’t funny. It wasn’t just that no one in the dream would get their shit together so we could go to the basement, which is why we ended up in a ditch, but it’s how they didn’t believe me in the first place because we didn’t have a working radio or TV to get the proper announcement. I kept going outside to check and coming back reporting on the color of the sky and the number of funnel clouds and which way they were moving and everyone would say I wonder waht’s happening.

Reminds me a lot of work, which seems to be an exercise in soul killing, if you’re not real careful about what you let your mind get fixed on.

I came into today all opened up by my first trip back to Indiana since my dad died. I forgot to tuck my soul away before I got in the building.  Bad move on my part.

2 Comments »