proteanme

I should be asleep. Seriously. I got so little sleep last night. But tonight I promised the midwives I would tackle at least a little freelance  web work for them and I avoided doing it until late and now it’s 11:32pm. I am operating on . . . I don’t know what, exactly. I keep thinking I am going to enter an alternate universe any moment now. In fact, driving home from dropping Remy off at the airport tonight, I hit a stretch of Powell and all the sudden I thought “where the fuck am I?” I actually felt like I was driving in Indianapolis, like maybe down Kessler or Keystone, which I rationally knew wasn’t true, but it really felt like that’s where I was and that feeling lasted for maybe 20 blocks. At some point I just started enjoying it, like “ok, I’m in. Because how often is this trippy feeling gonna happen?”

I started a list today that I wish someone would have started for me years ago, which maybe sounds whinier than I mean to be or feel about it. And I’m not even sure why I’m blogging about it because it’s kind of cheesy and a little “inner voice” and . . . oh I don’t know. . . it’s really just a list of what works for me to be me and how to be more deeply alive and present or awake in world. If you’ve been reading my blog, you can guess some of the things on the list: riding my bike, food (making it, eating it, growing it), music, etc. Even though I’ve got nothing to base it this on, I actually think it’s going to be helpful when I am feeling stuck or more neurotic than even I can tolerate or in some stupid funk. I think I will see ride my bike or walk and I will be able to say myself “get on the bike, dude” and then actually get on it.  Also, it feels like I made this list because I am preparing for something, but what exactly – rain? winter? more productive writing? Or maybe I am just trying to be a real adult and help myself take care of my heart and psyche. The list has been an interesting and unexpected experience and I’ve decided to just go with it. Embrace the sincerity of it all.

Ok, now it’s midnight and I am yawning. It is ridiculous to be up and blogging right now. I love this song playing at this second, though. From 2009, Atlas Sound kind of channeling Beach Boys.