Maybe it will happen. Just maybe. And maybe the populace is more decent than the recent elections implied. Or maybe not. Ok, so it’s the courts or sometimes the legislatures, but that’s how folks in this country get their civil rights. That’s our tradition. And if Iowa can do it, maybe the rest of the country is not so far behind.
Riding home today, I was thinking today about how our economy doesn’t exist outside of our culture, and considering expansion, acquisition and achievement are pillars of the American way of life, I’m not surprised that things are collapsing the way they are. Because one can’t expand and acquire forever, which made me think of this Wendell Berry essay I read this past summer.
I keep thinking of all the talk about the great American values of freedom and justice, equality and democracy, especially in light this past historic presidential election, but it seems that since the 70’s we’ve been living on greed and consumption and entitlement. Unchecked. Unrestrained.
What if room for growth is not about spreading out and getting more, what if it’s about growing closer and getting the most out of what we already have.
More snow. Feels like home. Without the amenities of salt and snow trucks. I was out walking around for a while. Maybe I’ll go out again later and take some pictures.
I realized today that I am deeply sad about the Warren invitation. And in my exchange with Amos, I realized how I’ve tamped down my emotions to cope with the anger and sadness I’ve felt for a long, long time about what it’s like live life as a second class citizen. What’s it’s like to have spent all of my adulthood being considered less than. To always be in constant negotiation with the outside. Because legally, I am an outsider in the US and it is ok to discriminate against me and it is ok to publically deride me.
Obama is a strategic and shrewd politician. Including Warren is symbolic just like excluding Jeremiah Wright was symbolic. Warren has called homosexuality a sin. Compared it to incest and pedophilia. For me, this isn’t just about Warren’s opposition to gay marriage. It’s about chipping away at the humanity of all of us who are queer. Because when Warren uses that kind of language it’s dehumanizing. And if you can make me a little less human, then it’s a little easier to treat me me a little less than human.
I cried today thinking about it. I’m tired.
I believe in reaching across the aisle. I believe in dialogue and common ground. I really do. I was close to a guy at work who prayed for my queer ass. But I’m not psyched about Rev. Warren giving the invocation. Why him? I just wanna say to Obama, hey didn’t gays give up enough supporting you even though you don’t support our right to full citizenship. C’mon give something back, dude. Reach out to the all the queers who worked their ass off to help get you where you are. Seriously. I’m tired. You know as well as I do, we’re not gonna wait forever.
So a black man is president and I’m still a second class citizen in my own fucking country. It’s a bitter sweet pill to swallow and mostly I’m focusing on the sweet part. I didn’t want this election to turn on gay marriage, but damn it sucks to be confronted with spite and hate.
I watched the election with friends and was not at all impressed with any talking head who tried to sum up the historical nature, the watershed moment, we all participated in last night. But give some people microphones and time slots and they will fill it up anyway. For me it was kinda like our Berlin Wall coming down. And Jessie Jackson tearing up said what no pundit could express anyway. I left to come home feeling subdued, not that it’s unusual for me to hold back, and I sat down to watch Obama speak by myself and I just started crying. I was moved and proud to be a second class America citizen. I feel forever grateful to all the good people who worked the Obama campaign.
Biden did a good job last night. And I agree Pep, maybe we’ll pull this one out. My fingers are crossed for sure. I gave some money today. My god, I just can’t imagine the alternative to Obama/Biden becasue because we’re already in such a fucking shit storm. I don’t even wanna say the other ticket’s names because living under their administration is utterly unthinkable.
Oh man, I wish I could articulate all that I’ve come to understand about myself lately, but every time I try it ends up coming out kinda fucked up because the language I have to describe my human condition is so loaded. If I say something in me is broken, everyone except my therapist responds with a kind and loving version of “but you don’t know, you might change; you might fix it”, which is sweet. But I wanna figure out how to to adapt, how to to work with what got fucked up (for lack of better words). I don’t wanna be the super disabled dude who climbs a mountain; I’m fine being the guy with a ramp to get his chair up into his house. Dunno if this analogy is working. For some reason I’m thinking about how I’ve always loved playing rhythm guitar, never been a lead kinda guy. Anyway, what’s so wrong with figuring out one’s limits, one’s capacity, the boundaries of tolerance for things like being vulnerable and open. So what if I’m not quite as capable in some areas as others, does that make me incapable? Even now I’m not sure I’m getting at this the with the right words or ideas, but I thought I’d give it a try. Among other things I grew up with a lot of dissonance and darkness, as well a kind of understated danger about wanting or needing someone. I lost something along the way and even if I don’t get it back, it doesn’t mean I can’t figure out how to move forward on the things I want in my life and make adjustments. Like, if the way I love large, looks faint, then I need to find a girl, to whom it looks obvious.
I’ve been listening to this Johnny Cash version of Wichita Lineman. It’s a great cover. Just great. I love that Rolling Stone called it the first the first existential country song, because it resonates with this lone and longing cowboy motif I’ve been exploring in therapy.
All these disparate things I’ve been mulling over this year are coming together, which is amazing, but overwhelming. I’m at this interesting place of not wanting to romanticize or pathologize what makes me tick, so to speak, and I hope I can stay in this place for a while. There is huge potential for learning. There is the real possibility of adaptation. And now I’m thinking of the tragedy of the Sandman. I know none of this sounds very concrete, but it’s complex and would require so many blog entries and footnotes that I would become sick of myself.
I’m still thinking about David Foster Wallace. I’ve listened to some audio and watched this interview with Charlie Rose. I wish I would have seen him read. I actually wish I could talk to him, silly as that sounds.
I hope Obama kicks McCain’s ass tonight. I’m soooo sick of this. Seriously, the idea that John McCain and Sarah Palin could be running our country. What a fucking nightmare. What’s the difference between Sarah Palin and a moron? Lipstick, right. Except hot morons where lipstick and Palin’s not really that hot, at least not to me. And the moron math gets all screwy when you think that Sarah Palin actually said this in an interview with CNBC’s Kudlow & Co. As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?
I know I’ve been quiet here lately. Frankly, I’m overwhelmed. First off, the financial crisis and the proposed bail out staggers my mind. Literally. Thank you Amos for doing such a nice job of commenting on it. And second, I can’t believe the election is right around the corner. Tanque has been has been keeping the blog flame lit the last couple weeks with lots of election related posts, which has rocked. Including his endorsement of the Obama/Biden ticket. I think there was mention of my name in some comment about being inspired or hopeful about Obama. And I wanna clear things up and say I don’t feel either of those. The fact is I don’t look to a presidential candidate for hope or inspiration. But I am inspired by the those folks who feel inspired by Obama. I think it’s a good ticket. They’ve got my vote. I think there’s a chance with Obama/Biden we can get things done that need doing. I want the conversation to change on a national level and Dems can do that. But c’mon these are politicians, man. And you don’t stay clean in such a fucking dirty business. Saints don’t run for president.
I feel like lots is going on in my life, but when you look at the shape of my days, you wouldn’t know it. I still find great joy in a sharp chef’s nice and fully inflated bike tires, the company of friends and the long stretches of quiet and time alone in between. I’m still purging and spent last weekend helping RU clean out our old basement. Whew! I did like that it was all very butch in a very classical butch kinda way, like driving a big pick up truck full of crap, most of which I’d hauled and lifted into the bed myself. RU has a fucked up back. The purge was a not the first choice for how I wanted to spend my weekend, but it bubbled up to the top after a failed attempt at camping in Indian Heaven on Mt Adams. It was just too dang foggy up there. And out here fog will kill your ass. I’m serious.
Mostly I’ve been trying to pay attention to the everyday details in my life and how I spend my time. The intention is to better align the external with the internal. It’s tricky, cause it doesn’t always add up. But it’s a good practice and hopefully it will become habit. To that end I’ve been having some kind of intense exchanges with my girl in western Mass and there are no conclusions to draw there except abstract ones, like a deeper understanding of the equation of capacity. If that sounds poetic, well it kinda is. Not that it doesn’t have very real implications. These things aren’t mutually exclusive.
I wanna a put plug in here to try and get as many of you all as I can to try green cleaning. Better for you, the environment and if you make your own solutions better for your wallet.
I was compelled to read this article about focus groups after getting hooked by this great lead in for the link: What Do Focus Groups Actually Tell Us? The only thing I can conclude is that swing voters are f-cking morons. The tag line made me thinking about morons fucking and the article made me think about how to win the moron vote. Ahhh, an afternoon spent in deep thought.