proteanme

Went to a party where a bunch of fellow Geminis were celebrating their birthdays and once it came out I was a twin they put a candle on the cake for me too, which was very nice. I ended up spending a chunk of time playing with these little three and four year old kids, although the twelve year old would have liked more attention. And I had forgotten how much I liked that – the way they make up songs and dance, the way they are always imagining something, the way they like you or don’t and whatever they are feeling is just so right there. Mostly we built these crazy tall towers out of blocks so they could take turns pretending to be a t-rex or a tornadoes or an earthquake and knock the towers down. Later when I was playing with this little guy he stopped and looked at me for a little bit and said, “you have rainbow eyes.” So sweet. And my eyes are this mix of green, blue and brown. Thinking about hanging out and playing made me wonder if I should add playing with kids to the list of things that make being alive feel special to me.

A song will come on in my headphones sometimes and I can barely hold it together. Cause it tugs so hard at this longing I have for all the nuances of love that make the acreage I need to be close to someone so much more manageable. Oh to see my shoes with hers, to leave behind some shirt of mine in her closet, to hear her say, “hey baby”, to know she keeps my key in her pocket. I swear that would be enough.

Apparently I’m gonna be angry and sad for a while and goal right now is to figure out how to manage that without getting my ass kicked by some motorist who I’ve targeted with my displaced frustration. Looks like a fun summer.

It’s not that I’m bitter, it’s more than I’m tired and scared. And lonely. I’m out here on this limb and there’s nothing to grab onto, except every now and then I talk with my oldest friend and she says something so sweet to me, like oh baby, and then I feel so incredibly loved. She gives me a touchstone in all this acreage I need.

Feeling restless and unsatisfied the other day I started thinking about about my incubating list and in an effort to put words into practice I got my ass in the kitchen and cooked up a small storm. Made some pasta from scratch for the first time and it it was a satisfying endeavor all the way around. The fresh pasta and dried garbanzo beans really made this simple dish tasty. And I imagine fresh tomatos would make it sublime.

I’m psyched that I’ll be going to see Destroyer tonight. One of my favorite artists over the last several years – a cross between Dylan and Bowie. Rubies was a great record and Trouble in Dreams had been getting alot of play recently.

Yesterday RU told me I’ve been seeming sad, angry and disappointed lately. Hard not to chafe at that, even if it rings true, or maybe because it rings true. I know I’m in an uncomfortable place right now and part of what’s going on is cultivating the willingness to be uncomfortable and I imagine that at times that’s not super pleasant to be around. I’ve been thinking about Dave’s comment on my incubating post, reminding me about needing “a way to make it back to that center while you explore the fringes. Call it a mantra, home(’centering’ spot), or even people in your life that drag you back – kicking and screaming from the focus of discovery back into the wonder of being.”

I’d love it if more than one of those people lived here in Portland. Please don’t mistake this for a pity party as that’s not my intention. I’m just in this in between spot that’s a little lonely. Cause since I’ve been out here I’ve gone after a number of friends that don’t quite fit and right now I’m really looking for connections with more resonance. Most of my resonators are hundreds if not thousands of miles away and I hope you know that you are sorely missed.

I really loved Silvia’s recent post and how it reminded me of lots of things, one being that everything changes.

Posted some new photos of NYC, food and me over the years.

I did Reach the Beach on Saturday.  My legs and lungs were fine, but that much time in the saddle and bent over my drop bars sure lent to some soreness and I was happy for the breaks we got every 15 miles.  The breaks also helped manage a beautiful but hot day. One of the other riders said at one point the thermometer on her bike registered 96 degrees.  But all in all it was a great ride.  I’ve hiked quite a bit around here, but I’ve never ridden so close to the land and it was moving to do so, on many levels. Thanks again to everyone who donated some money toward the cause.

The shine is off Portland for me. Yep, almost ten years out here and I’m realizing this may not be my kinda town. Now I’m not sure what that means in practical terms, cause it’s not like I have plans for moving or anything. At least, nothing more than some fantasies. It’s just one more thing that I’m willing to put in play as I think about how to make being alive special.

It will sound funny to some folks, but I actually miss the subtle landscape of Indiana, even if I can’t imagine living there again. Nothing against my home state or all you wonderful folks living there that I hold so dear. Indiana has all the nice guyness I could ever want, but the queer factor could be better.

I was entertaining a fantasy last week about getting a job that would allow me to work from anywhere and being a bit of nomad for a while, spend some time here in Oreogn, some time in Indiana, some on the east coast, maybe some in Europe.

But really as much as I wanna grab hold of something to give my life meaning, I’m pretty my sure the focus has gotta be on the internal, at least for the next little bit. Not that there aren’t some things I wouldn’t mind wrapping my hands around, like the waist of this girl I know who lives in the wilds of western Mass. But things being what they are, I need to let them simmer, not just with this particular girl, but everything in general. Simmering is not particularly glamorous, as much as I may try and make it out to be what with playing music, working on art and writing. Mostly, there’s just this boat load of nothing and in thinking about looking inward, I relate a lot to Silvia’s nourishment post. I started a list in my head the other day of what makes being alive feel special to me and here’s what I got so far:

• Writing
• Riding my bike
• Intellectually challenging work
• Meaningful work
• Music
• Good food – eating it, making it, sharing it
• Good friends
• Freaks

I am amazed, when I really pay attention, at how many moments there are in any given day to have some empathy and compassion for another person’s experience. I swear they are happening all the time.

It’s funny, for such a long stretch, nothing much was happening in my personal life and then all the sudden a bunch of stuff happened in a flurry and then it settled back into a new version of nothing much, where the revelations that were uncovered in the flurry changed things, some in a kinda big way. One change is that a girl I really like told me she really likes me too, which made my day. For all its complications, it is as straight forward as that.