May 14, 2008

The shine is off Portland for me. Yep, almost ten years out here and I’m realizing this may not be my kinda town. Now I’m not sure what that means in practical terms, cause it’s not like I have plans for moving or anything. At least, nothing more than some fantasies. It’s just one more thing that I’m willing to put in play as I think about how to make being alive special.

It will sound funny to some folks, but I actually miss the subtle landscape of Indiana, even if I can’t imagine living there again. Nothing against my home state or all you wonderful folks living there that I hold so dear. Indiana has all the nice guyness I could ever want, but the queer factor could be better.

I was entertaining a fantasy last week about getting a job that would allow me to work from anywhere and being a bit of nomad for a while, spend some time here in Oreogn, some time in Indiana, some on the east coast, maybe some in Europe.

But really as much as I wanna grab hold of something to give my life meaning, I’m pretty my sure the focus has gotta be on the internal, at least for the next little bit. Not that there aren’t some things I wouldn’t mind wrapping my hands around, like the waist of this girl I know who lives in the wilds of western Mass. But things being what they are, I need to let them simmer, not just with this particular girl, but everything in general. Simmering is not particularly glamorous, as much as I may try and make it out to be what with playing music, working on art and writing. Mostly, there’s just this boat load of nothing and in thinking about looking inward, I relate a lot to Silvia’s nourishment post. I started a list in my head the other day of what makes being alive feel special to me and here’s what I got so far:

  • Writing
  • Riding my bike
  • Intellectually challenging work
  • Meaningful work
  • Music
  • Good food – eating it, making it, sharing it
  • Good friends
  • Freaks

5 responses to “incubating”

  1. David says:

    2 subjects I love the internal vs the external and validity of the difference and the ‘open road’.
    Something inside always wants to take the argument romantically – that seamless interconnectivity – we are the external and the external is the internal – that you can’t seperate the two – we are just a sieve that taints and is tainted by everything for good or bad just by it’s being.
    The freedom of the road – I love the fantasy of it – not now so much, I have so many personal challenges about who I am as a person now that I see that being reflected by the responsibility of heavy influence on Dane’s personality. I constantly have an audience now :), I could be ‘myself’ when I felt like it and nothing when I didn’t. I can’t ‘make’ Dane be a better person but I can be a better reflection of how I’d like to be.

  2. proteanme says:

    dude i am so fucking happy to see comment from you, and such a thoughtful one at that. i read your blog and was thinking about you. i’m gonna call you very soon. i hear ya on the external vs internal. i’m just trying not to grab at something, like a place or a person or a thing and make it tha answer. not that that i’ll come to some final answer inside either. but shifting to the internal has brought brought what’s solid about me to the surface. and that feel’s so right. the open road scares the crap out of me, but one of these days i may be knocking at your door. just so you know. being a parent – man talk about humbling and challenging?!

  3. David says:

    Come explore/stay/hide at our place anytime! We got a basement that’s just going to waste…

    Yeah – I’m just emerging from that funk – one I know you know – that disconnection that is a self defense mechanism anytime I have to interact with my family for any length of time or during any ‘serious’ issues. Sad really, that the armor can come up so quickly and so 2nd nature that I feel I have to tear it back off after distance is applied.

    I think that’s where the Dane focus of my last entry came from – been very on the surface – making sure I speak my feelings for him, verbalize my pride, love, and wonder along with my frustrations :).

    Like I said that’s the extreme romanticized version of external vs internal – the reality remains that either can be a trap – self involvement (internal) or neglect (external) and have to be weighted appropriately with an escape route, a way to make it back to that center while you explore the fringes. Call it a mantra, home(‘centering’ spot), or even people in your life that drag you back – kicking and screaming from the focus of discovery back into the wonder of being.

  4. » it is what it is says:

    […] times that’s not super pleasant to be around.  I’ve been thinking about Dave’s comment on my incubating post, reminding me about needing “a way to make it back to that center while you explore the […]

  5. » food and music says:

    […] restless and unsatisfied the other day I started thinking about about my incubating list and in an effort to put words into practice I got my ass in the kitchen and cooked up a small […]

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