why not

February 9, 2009

That was the theme for today because mostly I was feeling like what was the point of cleaning my house or putting away my laundry or taking out the trash or eating anything besides a bagel and chocolate bar if my dad’s still dead, and this girl I like is still be as sick as she’s ever been, and another important girl in my life is still laid off, and my friend still has cancer, and seven people I work with lost their jobs. What’s the point? But something some where inside said why not, ya know. Why not fold your boxers and make braised chicken with shallots and take the washed glass bottles out to the recyclable tub by the curb. And then¬† I even went so far as to clean out the bottom of my fridge.¬† It had been two years. I know that’s gross. This apple doesn’t fall from the tree.

Do I feel better -not really. But I don’t feel worse either. A zero sum game seems ok to me, though. In a Buddhist kinda way.

I read some poetry today. This girl asked me to send her some poems. I swear it’s a task she thought up for me as much as for her; it’s as if she’s saying don’t shut down, man. I’m an expert shutter. She wrote me a letter. At the end she said, “be brave.”

Yesterday it was sunny and RU, who loves to walk as much as she loves the elusive Portland spring, got me to go on two walks. A coup for sure. She even got me to smell spring. Her plate is full these days, but I don’t know how I’d be getting through without her.

Friends are sweet and check on me and tell me I’ll be ok. A couple friends at work take walks with me and let me rail when I’m pissed, or just look at them across the lunch table and say “what the fuck”. People call and invite me over to eat or take me to dinner. And they listen when they should or talk when I don’t wan to. Whatever works. I’m lucky to know such generous hearts.

2 Comments »

2 responses to “why not”

  1. pep says:

    Granta’s last issue was about Fathers and the intimacy issue in this piece made me think of you.

    Whatever works! Secret of the universe.

  2. liz says:

    thanks pep. that was nice writing in granta.

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