January 28, 2008

I’m scared and sad and feeling terribly lonely, in other words heart broken. And I can’t find one damn distraction that works to get a break from it all. I tried to go to a movie last night, but just couldn’t escape into it, so i left about 1/2 way through, and came home and made some angry art, hoping it would alleviate that big fucking knot of anger. And there was a little looseness but not a lot. And then I stayed up way too fucking late, because I didn’t want to have to battle my thoughts as I tried to fall asleep. Instead I got to wake up to battle them them a little this morning.

I don’t want to go down this fucking stupid heartbreak path. Again. I’m just so fucking sick of it. C’mon! If there is no there there, what’s the point of this awareness and practice. Fuck process. This shit is not like a movie or a song where the right something comes along and makes things better. There is no right thing, even if there are a lot of wrong things. There’s just fucking practice.

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