hurry up and wait

July 1, 2014

The end of the era has ended or will very, very soon. The moving truck should be here within the hour and I am sitting here waiting for them, amid my neatly consolidated pile of boxes, trying to be patient. The movers are delayed by their morning move, which unexpectedly turned into an all day move because there was so much stuff and a tricky layout out at their customer’s new house. Whatever. Sigh. For a while I weeded to distract myself. My neighbor, who knows I am moving, saw me and said I must be feeling really guilty about the yard. But after I told him about the movers, he agreed with me, that pulling weeds can be kinda meditative when you’re killing time. Now my hands are dirty and the scrub brush is packed up. Who know’s where? I wish Phil were here. I took him out to MTB’s this morning, trying to give him some time at the new house while the dogs are at dog care. MTB said he is settling in. Fingers crossed that blending Phil into the animal family will go well. Or as well as it can go. Not spinning out on that right now, though. Concentrating on the movers who I want to get here. I’m running out of patience. My car’s been packed for hours. I’ve thrown¬†out the last stuff to throw out of the fridge – the old hummus, the half jar of peanut-butter, 6 radishes and two open bottles of siracha. The evening traffic has picked up. Motorcycle, car, car, car going too fast, bus. I am ready to jump into line with them. Let’s go. Let’s go. I’ve been saying good-bye to this house for a year. I said goodbye to RJ yesterday. I sat in the house by myself and turned up the stereo and cried. Enough. Let’s get this show on the road!

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what do i love – day five

February 15, 2014
  • Two lane highways
  • That my birthday is in the summer
  • Making hand crank ice cream
  • My panniers
  • Thunderstorms
  • That I wore purple velvet knickers when I was 10
  • Female jocks
  • Lifting weights
  • Sweet tea
  • How a good drummer changes everything
  • Playing raquetball
  • The internet
  • My insulated Klean Kanteen
  • My loud ass 4 fingered whistle
  • Creative collaborations
  • Knowing friends for over 20 years
  • A pork tenderloin sandwich from the Monroe County fair
  • Passing as a dude sometimes
  • Sharing a meal with friends
  • A good hair cut
  • Cool sunglasses


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what do i love – day 4

February 14, 2014
  • The sound of crickets
  • MTB’s garden
  • Doodling
  • Learning something new
  • Blueberries
  • Prince
  • Building something
  • Falling in love with a new song and then evangalizing the crap out of it to other people
  • A good diner, like the Otis cafe or Dianes
  • Manhattan
  • The Painted Hills
  • The Song of Solomon
  • Listening to Kurt Vonnegut’s voice
  • A British accent
  • Playing my guitar
  • Every time Becky’s come to visit me in Portland
  • Campfire food

what do i love – day three

February 13, 2014
  • Sticking with itness
  • Fava beans
  • Pet Sounds
  • Building a camp fire
  • Playing Boggle
  • A tostada
  • Writing music
  • Splitting wood with an axe
  • Imperfect heroes
  • A close basketball game
  • My space pen
  • Being born in the 60s
  • The county fair
  • Lonesome Dove
  • Trading
  • Fireflies
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what do i love – day two

February 12, 2014
  1. Kindness
  2. Reading a book out loud together
  3. Night-time bike rides in the summer
  4. Cooking
  5. My cat
  6. Taking a walk
  7. Tomatoes from the garden
  8. Laughing
  9. Being a Hoosier
  10. My dad’s best friend
  11. That I moved across the country
  12. Pussy willows
  13. Hugs
  14. Cooking
  15. Macgyvering something
  16. The song, Under Pressure
  17. Watching dykes play softball
  18. My summer camp
  19. A good chef’s knife
  20. Taking photos



what do i love – day one

February 11, 2014

My friend, Bart, has inspired me to come up with my own list. As well as my own experiment of posting a new list each day for next five days. So here goes day one.

  • A hot shower
  • Fizzy water
  • Sun light
  • My girlfriend
  • The way I feel after a work out
  • Good wool socks
  • The Melissa Harris-Perry show
  • Getting things done
  • The idea of liminality
  • My family
  • Playing cards
  • Camping
  • My friends
  • Solving problems
  • Wood fired pizza
  • Looking at Jackson Pollack paintings
  • Making peach pie
  • Being a butch
  • Petting dogs
  • 70’s R & B, especially Al Green

blog challenge. the sequel. summer.

August 13, 2013

Ok. It’s been a while. As in an “almost 3 months” while. Ugh. It was not my intention to take such a long break. Oh well, I guess. It feels hard to write in the summer. All the sunshine. All the the stuff going on. And this year summer started early because we had an excellent summer fake out back in May, which I filled with things like wearing shorts and flip-flops and shooting hoops and taking long bike rides and building backyard campfires and going to Burgerville for the express purpose of getting a chocolate shake. I was going to write about some of that, but I didn’t. And then June came around and I had a birthday and JJ had a birthday and Tony had a birthday and there was the T*Party and Pride and softball games on Saturdays and MTB and JJ did a tri and MTB and I went to Vegas and Val’s family and friends gathered for her memorial, which was beautiful, and later a bunch of us helped cleaned out her apartment and that was kind of brutal. And then June was over. Just like that. And I hadn’t written a thing. And July picked up where June left off. MTB and I and her dogs went camping on the 4th at Cove Palisades and there were more softball games and Colleen came to town and RU came to town and MTB and JJ and I watched 3 on 3 basketball tournament and MTB had her garden party and I saw the movie the Life of Pi outside at Irving park and MTB and I went to the Washington Country fair and Radio had a birthday and Venae had a birthday and RU had a birthday and Nat and Ally had one too. And I didn’t write down a thing here about any of that either, even though I thought about it. And now its August and I am planning a trip to Indy with MTB.

Every weekend it seems like there are 1000 things to do. And I’ve done so much already. I’ve made ice cream twice this summer and had s’mores and cooked hotdogs over an open fire and I’ve picked blueberries out of my own yard and made kale salads and lettuce salads and taco salads and tuna salads and I’ve been to a handful of cook-outs and a basement show and gone swimming at the pool and swimming at the river and I’ve scored some finds at estate sales and I’ve become obsessed with my Klean Kanteen insulated water bottle and I’ve ridden both of my bikes all over town. I am tan. My thighs have a little more definition. I am wearing cut off t-shirts again. And I don’t wan it to stop. I want to go backpacking and see a movie at the drive-in and make a pie and take a short road trip and hit some golf balls. So until the end of September, I am going to do my best to pretend the days are not getting shorter and that grey skies in morning don’t mean anything and that its always a good idea to leave a towel and a blanket in the car and there’s no good reason to turn down a milkshake.



May 20, 2013

Three nights ago, I had a dream about Val. In the dream there was a party being held for Val at somebody’s house. I want to say it was Deborah’s house, except it didn’t look anything like Deborah’s house does in real life. It was a big, old Portland style house, at least 2 stories high and people were everywhere inside. Standing on the stairs and in the halls and filling up the rooms. So many people, in fact that MTB and I got overwhelmed and went outside and sat together, in the city strip grass, between the sidewalk and the street. It was sunny out and it felt like it was the middle of the day, with the sun high in the sky, and MTB was sitting between my legs and leaning back against me, when Val pulled up to the curb in a convertible. Not a sports car, though. It was a convertible Volvo sedan that was two tone blue, which was funny to me in the dream. I kept thinking where the hell did Val get a convertible, two tone Volvo sedan. Val was smiling really big and she was wearing a bright, blue plaid shirt and it looked like she’d just gotten her hair cut. And she leaned over, with her arm resting on the driver’s door, and she asked MTB and me how the party was. I think we told Val that there were a lot of people inside the house, like it was crazy crowded, and everybody was asking about her, and she told us she was thinking about not going inside. We all sat there for a while and Val never did get got out of the car, either. She sat there grinning in the sunshine, working her charming thing, which seemed a little mischievous, in a super sweet way, and kept looking at MTB and me and then up at the house. MTB and I told her she looked really fucking cute and that if she wasn’t coming into the party, she should go drive downtown and flirt with the girls. (Because in the dream there was some magic downtown square and main drag where dykes drive up and down and flirt with each other.) And Val laughed, and said something like, you think so, like you think the girls will like me.

I’m not sure I believe in signs and I’m not sure it matters if I do or I don’t, but I’m glad to have had that dream of Val. To have woken up with image of her grinning and happy in the sunshine so firmly planted in my mind.

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all roads point somewhere

April 20, 2013

I got home late tonight and stood in my backyard. Right on top of the edge of one the veggie boxes I built a couple years ago. It was so quiet. I looked around at everything that’s coming up. It’s already starting to get thick and lush by the back wall. I had grand plans to move things around this spring but it didn’t happen. Plans got derailed. That’s ok. Spring is long. And things will still grow and and open up and bloom. Plus, this is not really my home.

Home. It’s such a tricky thing. When I look at my longing, which is vast and deep, I believe that home is at the bottom of it. That I am always longing for home. ¬†Sometimes, if I try I, if I bring consciousness to it, or I am feeling secure, I can construct it — the stretch of road leaving Lake Lemon and heading toward camp, walking up the steps to Becky’s house, the streets around Butler, the drive from our old apartment on Fall Creek to Martha’s house, the smell of frankensense, the smell of toothpaste when I am camping, a chocolate shake and a car window rolled down on a hot summer night. I could make a new list. Call it, “ways to find home” and tape it up to one by my mirror called “take care, 2013.” It’s worth thinking about. It would be hard work. I know, home needs to come from somewhere inside me, but sometimes that place inside doesn’t seem to exist, which is about the best way I can explain it. Where there should be home in me there is me, untethered, and wishing I could find something to anchor myself too.

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thursday night in my backyard

April 19, 2013

Sometimes I sit on my back stoop. Except it’s not really a stoop. Its 3 steps that lead from the big glass sliding door off the kitchen and down to the gigantic deck that takes up almost half of the back yard. I like sitting out there at night and looking at the sky and the outlines of the plants and trees in the dim light. Its quiet and everything seems close in, kind of like a giant cocoon, and I’m not distracted by the weeds or how I didn’t move things around the yard the way I should have. I tried to sit out there tonight and write, because it was warm and because I needed to unwind, but it was raining on my computer screen. The front porch is not the same, with the street lights and the cars and the neighbors across the street sitting on their porch and talking and laughing and smoking. If my front porch was a proper covered porch it would be different, but it’s not, which is not the point. And by that I mean it’s not the point to dwell on all the things that not the way they should be or the way I want them to be. Although I can easily go down that path. The scarcity path. Which is a stupid heart suck. I was talking to my friend, VG, tonight about how you imagine the way you would be in certain instances or circumstances, and future you is like some other version of yourself, potentially better, more together, more Zen. But then when you are neck deep in the circumstance, you are so remarkably you. You are not the future you. You are the present you dealing the way you do with the stuff that’s happening in your life. You are doing the best fucking job you can do.

The thing is we’re all in it. Either we’re standing in the middle of something or were somewhere in the ripples. Millions of centers and millions of ripples.


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