proteanme

August sunset from 28th street

Originally uploaded by proteanme

I took a lot of pictures of the sky this year in 2009.

I bought a bunch of shoes in 2009, which was one of the many ways I’ve coped with my dad dying. I did other things to cope besides that, but I was just looking at my closet last night and thinking, Jesus, where did all these shoes come from? An unplanned legacy of footwear I guess.

This morning when I got to work, a colleague was taking snapshots of the sunrise. It was beautiful this morning and he sent me some of the shots later. They turned out pretty good.

I’ve taken so many photos of the sky this year. Sunsets from my apartment and RU’s house. Storm clouds in the spring.  Contrails cutting across the clear blue of summer.  Cloud banks from a plane window. The crisscross of phone wires. Night reflected back through a window. Rain and snow as it falls. All this time spent trying to capture a monent of something that is always changing.

Larry Sultan died. He did some really great work. I hope one day I get to see it in person.

Been listening to Pitchfork’s best tracks of 2009. Lots of great singles there. More and more that’s what I find. Not so many great records, but lots of great songs. There’s this one by Matt and Kim, Daylight; it’s been running through my brain all day.

I’m really interested in reading Stephen Elliott’s Adderall Diaries. I’ve finally got some breathing space for leisure reading after spending my fall reading strategically this writing certificate program I’m in. Not that I’ve not read some great stuff, especially when it comes to Amy Hempel and Raymond Carver, but it’s not quite the same as the thrill of finding something new on your own.

I was thinking about marriage today. And how asking someone if they are married and how the question just assumes heterosexuality. And how if gay marriage ever does happen, asking “are you married” will be just that, and not some passive way of trying to parse the orientation of queers who don’t stand out.

Last week we had this arctic blast here, at least arctic for Portland. It was down in the low teens, which is the kind of weather that makes me want to cry when I’m riding my bike, especially into the wind. I rode one day; froze my hands and feet and my face went kinda numb. Thawing out at my desk, everything fucking hurt. Bad. I thought about the Donner party and was amazed that any of them ever made it out alive. I’d have cired myself to death and someone would have eaten me. I drove my car the rest of the week.

I woke today up to rain and temps in the low 40’s and was like helleluja Portland winter. Yes my feet were soaked, even with my booties on and yes, it took all day for my gloves to dry out, but I’ll take it.

Likely, I’ll be complaining about the rain in a week. That’s what we do here anyway. But I loved feeling like it was not a big deal to get on the saddle and brave the elements this morning.

My girl in western Mass could really use your help.

• Drawings by Gisèle Celan-Lestrange
• From Rauschedberg’s Night Blooming Series
• Pitchfork’s Best tracks 2009
• A poem called Ray
  

My dad was a WWII veteran. He served as a combat Marine. Fought in Okinawa and then was dispatched to Northern China for occupation duty. Chang Kai-shek became one of his heroes. I’ve heard his friends call him an Old Breed Marine. He joined the Indiana National Guard in the 1960’s and served for 25 years. We buried him with military honors.

• Joan Mitchell
• Grace Hartigan
• Dressing up
• Cooking

I read this short story by Amy Hempel that blew me away — In the Cemetery Where Al Jolson Is Buried. Near perfect stuff. She worked with Carver’s editor, Gordon Lish. If’ you’ve not read her before, you’ve really got something to look forward to.

If you’re a Portlander and you ride a bike, I’m officially endorsing City Bikes as the best repair shop in town. REI is great because it’s open late and there’s this one guy who really know what he’s doing and he’ll fix what needs fixing and not try to sell you a bunch of other crap.But he’s not always there. City Bike has just always done me right. Plus it’s a collective.

Some favorite tracks from 2009.

• Sheila – Atlas Sound
• Tunguska – Cymbals Eat Guitars
• Northern Lights – Bowerbirds
• Island, IS – Volcano Choir
• I Poke Her Face – Kid Cudi
• Two Weeks – Grizzly Bear

Ever since my dad died I keep waiting for him to show up somewhere. It’s this absurd thing you do when you grieve. You look for hidden messages in songs and poems and tv shows and things your neighbor says and how the weather’s changing. It’s all fair game; anything can be a conduit. I prefer dreams. They seem to have the most obvious potential.

The funny thing is there’s no message in a bottle; all the the things my dad never said when he was alive he’s never going to say now that he’s dead.