proteanme

Right before I virtually dropped out I was supposed to fly home for David and Julie’s wedding, but I never made it. The night before I was scheduled to leave I freaked out so hard about flying that I couldn’t get my ass on the plane the next day. I stayed on the ground for the next year and half, undone by a toxic combination of fear and shame.

A number of things got me back up in the friendly skies. Rachel, my therapist, Buddhism, xanax, relaxation tapes, old friends, many trips to the aiport to watch planes take off and land, moms flying with their precious babies, and a strong desire to enlarge a world that was becoming dangerously small. Since that trip to San Francisco in March, 2005 (and that’s me at the end of the return flight to Portland) I’ve been to Indiana, New York, Mexico and Paris.

Sometimes I just can’t believe it. I struggled with flying for so long and after Dave’s wedding I pretty much gave up on the idea of ever traveling overseas. I look at the pictures of me in Paris and I feel amazed and grateful and so aware of how short life is.

So now I’m flying. In fact, just last month I had back to back weekend trips to San Francisco and New York city. It’s a big change. It’s still evolving. Can’t wait to see where I go next.

After hacking a WordPress theme to make my own template, I’m off to the races for real this time. I think its been over a year since I’ve regularly posted, maybe more. It feels good to be back and sharing the company of other folks who’ve recently returned to the keyboard.

A number of things have changed for me during my hiatus, some changes more welcome than others, but I’ll save the details for future blogs. Suffice it to say, nothings been life altering, at least not in the big scheme of things and not when compared to certain other events that have occurred in larger Tanque community like having a baby, getting married, moving to another country or rebuilding after a hurricane. Life sure plays out large sometimes.

One change I’m still not used to, even after living here for almost 10 years, is the darkness. These days the sun is coming up after 7:30am and setting before 4:30pm. Add into the mix the gray and rainy skies of late, and sometimes its hard to turn down the volume on this recurrent melancholy thats been keeping me company these past 12 months. Even though I know I live a life of privilege and luxury, today I can’t shake the empty feeling. I guess its all good practice for not taking any of it too seriously. Everything changes, right?!

I’m up way too late tonight. The last several years I’ve been trying to transform from a night owl to an early bird, but its been a harder habit to break than quitting smoking, which is something I didn’t anticipate. I’ll blame it on the keyboard tonight. A bit of a siren’s call after being away for so long.