proteanme

I’m feeling done in and undone at the same time and I’m completely uninterested in embracing this process. Sometimes, I just so sick of it all.  I’d like to just put my heart on ice.

From Pema Chodron: We may doubt that we’re up to being a warrior-in-training. But we can ask ourselves this question: “Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?”

Am I a glutten for punishment? I dunno. I don’t think so, but it’s easy for me to let other people construct that story about me. Frankly, it just takes me a while to figure how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking unless I’m really angry or super hurt. Given that – the murkiness of my emotional landscape, if someone else comes along who’s got the volume turned up to 11, it’s easy for me to get lost in their sound. I used to be able to brush this part of me off, but it’s not so easy now. I guess it’s not working any more. Inside I’m in transition I think, which is is awkward. I wish I came with a key or a better compass to navigate my emotional landscape.