sick of myself
February 1, 2008
I’m feeling done in and undone at the same time and I’m completely uninterested in embracing this process. Sometimes, I just so sick of it all. I’d like to just put my heart on ice.
I’m feeling done in and undone at the same time and I’m completely uninterested in embracing this process. Sometimes, I just so sick of it all. I’d like to just put my heart on ice.
Pema’s words have helped me through so many troughs – not like a magic pill, but as a reminder that even if my frustrations never go away, they dwindle when I can muster the courage to stay with them. And the idea bodhichitta training helps me convert them into something worthwhile – a struggle that is necessary for learning and growing, not just a sign of my own flawed nature. From her I’ve also learned that the best way to face my failings is to start with maitri – loving kindness toward myself when my internal critics are yapping nonstop. Thich Naht Hahn has a great notion along these lines about taking your core self in an emotional embrace and cradling it as you would a baby. It’s good to be tough with yourself at times, but don’t forget to be tender, too!
Just recently I had a bout of hopelessness, tried meditating and plain deep breathing, but just couldn’t find the groove. I read some of her writings and they helped me stay with it, but at the same time step back in terms of expectations. The bad feelings were going to last as long as they were going to last, but I could see past them and that helped me actually get past them (at least for now :).
I really relate to your last post. It’s bizarre to me at times how foreign and inscrutable my own emotions can feel. But it also makes sense, because I can see how in my family, and the culture at large, certain emotions were suppressed out of fear and embarrassment and I didn’t learn how to deal with them. Even if I have to do it in isolation, trying to let the emotions run their course instead of controlling them helps.
(Hm, this may have nothing to do with what you were talking about.)
thanks the helpful and insightful comments. i have a very ood intellectual understanding of what you’re saying, but i’m struggling to find courage and compassion for myself. i appreciate you’re relating your story as i found it encouraging.
and i’m with you on not getting much training growing up on how to express or deal with a variety of feelings. plus for me, my folks are pretty damaged. my dad’s got ptsd, and i really think my mom’s bi-polar.
anyway, maybe it’s time to get pema out again.