proteanme

First day of full rain gear on my ride into work. I forgot that I need to leave extra time both to get all suited up and to account for the reality that I don’t ride as fast in the rain because my brakes never work as well when its this wet.

Last night, Kath asked me about the mental shift for riding in rainy season and riding in the winter, which I guess is not too far away. I couldn’t articulate my mindset very well at the time, but thinking about it this morning I could sum it up as willingness, as in willingess to get in the saddle and be uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable, sometimes.

The idea and practice of willingness was something I started thinking about and then working with maybe 8 or 9 years ago when I realized “will power” was not working for me. Specifically, the idea of “will” and “my will,” which seemed overly aggressive when I was trying to work with parts of myself that needed my tenderness, like getting on a plane. Trying to exert will over anxiety or fear was the exact opposite of what I needed to do to help myself then and that continues to be true now with all sorts of feelings.

These days when I have unwanted and generally sucky feelings I wish I didn’t have, the first thing I ask myself is if I’m willing to experience them, and if I am (which is not always the case),  then I try figure out ways to encourage myself, to nudge myself down the path of being ok with feeling uncomfortable, sometimes really uncomfortable. Sometimes, I can see the crazy stories I tell myself (that’s what I call my neuroses) arise and fade away and that’s very cool. And sometimes I just ride my bike around or find a house project to work on, because the neurotic stuff seems dug in. Usually, it at least loosens over the course of such endeavors and at the end of four hours of weeding or cleaning the kitchen, I’ve gotten something done and I’ve got some breathing space from my neuroses and can start reflecting on what’s up. It’s trickiest when I fight against the sucky feelings because I spin out into some other bullshit narrative. So its bullshit piled on top of bullshit, which mostly involves me trashing myself to myself, but also jumping to conclusions or trying to fit things in ill fitting boxes. And it’s the absolute worst when I just decide to numb out.  That is my least favorite version of me. Numb me. I am sure numb me needs a boat load of tenderness (and I am risking sounding way woo woo here by talking like this) but in my best moments I don’t have a ton of tenderness for my numbness and I just strive to be neutral. I think numbness may scare the crap out of me, at least in my heart. Hmm . . . well . . . I need to think about that. It could explain a lot of things, I think.

I have to end this post some other way because I am feeling self conscious that I sound a little chickeny soup for the soul or Hallmarky and that’s really not my inner voice (Please say that’s true. I want the inner voice of a farmer.) So back to the start. Rain. I only suited up half way for the ride home and of course I got hit by that 20 minute down pour and got soaked from the waist down. But at least I got home before the new darkness had settled in. So it’s been Willie Nelson and Chet Baker for me and not the debates. Tofu and cabbage and peas. And IPRC workshop prep.