a little blue sky reminding me of things that have been on my mind

October 25, 2012

Blue sky this morning. Or at least blue streaks and patches. That’s really nice. For however long it sticks around. Which is the thing that has been on my mind lately. Not literally blue sky, but more the metaphor of this morning’s blue sky or the 20 minute down pour Monday on my ride home from work, and by that I mean a metaphor for temporariness and really the temporariness of everything.

I think of the last couple readings I’ve done with my writing group and how much I have loved each one of them for very different reasons. Different groups of people, different time of year, different energy and I read different poems. Both times I tried to be present and awake and alive and experience all the things that were happening. Because that’s it, really. That’s what I get. These one time shots at having the experience that is happening at the time it’s happening. The memories are special and sweet, for sure, but my aim is to be open to the experience. (I could go on about the tram ride being another metaphor and actual thing but I will restrain myself.)

An interesting side note is that even though it seems it should be easy to do this, to be open. with super pleasant and happy experiences, it can still be scary. To feel so phenomenally good and know 1)  that the phenomenal part can’t be sustained (we can’t walk around with the volume at 11 forever) and 2) joy can crack your heart open, just like sorrow.

But I am traipsing off a little because what I’ve been really thinking about is what’s left after you’ve been had an experience that’s cracked your heart open or volcanoed it, in some instances. What happens next? You could just be like, “wow that was intense” and then return to your regular thing that may or may not include being open. Or you could say I’m going to nurture this thing. This open heart. This connection. This being a little more alive. Nurturing both whatever it is that happened that touched you and/or the feeling of openess. Sometimes I thing of nurturing as being like practicing writing or playing music but with 1000×1000 more  tenderness and empathy. The other interesting thing is everyone gets to decide for themselves if they are going to do the nurturing thing and what they are going to nurture.

Maybe this is all already apparent to everybody, except me, but it feels like a big deal, like a revelation, which feels kind of funny to say after being alive for 50 years and all the things that have come with that that kind of luck  – friends, family, lovers, a band, a career helping people, etc. But whatever I knew about nurturing before seems different now and I don’t know why. But I think I might fall in love a little with the idea of nurturing and what it really means to do it, consciously – the tending to, the caring for, the watching over, the cherishing.


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