grab bag
Lots of subjects have been on my mind recently and I’m going to list them out here in hopes that something might ring a bell for further exploration.
First, I’ve been thinking about the phrase “they did the best they could”, often said in a conversation where one is talking about how to deal with effects of the short comings of another person or persons, like one’s parents. I’ve come to find that phrase doesn’t work for me. Fro example, when it comes to my parents, they did what they did. And it’s true I can’t change that, but did they do the best they could do? I dunno. And thinking of their actions in those terms does not help me deal with what got broken in me. And thinking of my own actions in those terms, that somehow I’ve been doing the best I can, doesn’t help me deal with how I’ve fucked up in my own life. I think maybe it’s the whole idea of “best” that doesn’t work for me. For one thing, on the flip side of “best” there’s a “worst”, which is not helpful either. And best implies judgment and I’m trying to cultivate curiosity.
Race. I woke up the other morning thinking about how if Obama got elected he would have to think so carefully about the racial make up of his cabinet. Think about it in a way his predecessors have not, simply because he’s African American. Yes, the last several Presidents have probably made sure to have some diversity on their cabinet, at least one woman and one African American. But believe me, if Obama is elected and appoints as many African Americans to his cabinet as any previous President has appointed whites to theirs in the last 20 years or so, there will be cries of alarm about a black cartel taking over this country.
Prolonged adolescence. I think I could get into trouble here with too many generalizations. Plus I’ve not really reflected on this topic in any detail, but I’ll stumble on in anyway. I’ve been noticing a lot of things that make me think we have this state of prolonged adolescence here in the U.S. and it does not serve us well as far learning to take on responsibility for oneself. I’m not trying to be a kill joy about a maintaining a sense of play or wonder cause it’s not a lack of seriousness I’m talking about.
i have a friend, steve, who used to speak of this concept of “holding people large”. this means seeing the span of possibilities for them of who they could be and holding that space for them. steve did that for me and was a very big part of a signficant healing for me a while ago. i could feel the energy from him which was an invitation of sorts that inspired me to a much more whole place that what i thought was available to me. he challenged my paradigm in a major way. i am so grateful to him for that. although i did not feel pressured from him and i didn’t feel his ego was at play. just new eyes.
in thinking about my parents i have reached some real calmness and peace about what they have and haven’t been able to do. all of the work was on my part and involved feeling huge amounts of grief and being completely still and not using things not to feel. i mean sobbing and sometimes panic attacks for months. my whole persona and life changed. and my work was to also be compassionate for myself, in the way that we only normally do for others, like a child or a elder. i looked back on what happened when i was young…and thought…”yeah, that was pretty hard for her as a young girl”.the other thought was “yeah people did leave but i’m not going anywhere”. i thought there would be something more sophisticated in the healing process for me but that was it. somehow through that process the broken pieces got re-written. it was the hardest part of my life to date.
wow, the stuff around your family sounds sooo intense. i feel i’m on the brink of something similar, but of course completely my own. sometimes i feel like i’m on the brink of that with lots in my life, but i no one would know as i pedal around, go to work, come home and cook my food. thank you for sharing that silvia.
i love that idea of holding people large. a little bit of what you said reminds me of some things bell hooks said in her new visions of love book. that ap about seeing the possibilities. what an incredible friend.
strange as it may sound, i feel a longstanding sense of gratitude to the phrase ‘best you could do’ (with the addition of ‘at that point’). it’s true it implies judgment and i can see where you’re coming from in wanting to explore and confront rather than judge, but on some level i don’t believe we get completely beyond judgment. that isn’t to say there aren’t greater and lesser quantities or types of judgment, just that i think it’s part of our basic makeup. that also isn’t to say we can’t learn to be far less judgmental of ourselves – to the point where the judgment might seem invisible. but every act of perception is judging, i think. when i hear buddhists talking about nonjudgment, i think there’s a useful bit of self-delusion in it. it’s judging in a different way, but i still detect judgment – in the decision not to become entangled in shenpas, for instance. it’s judgment that will likely lead to more happiness than getting entangled, but i don’t see it as getting outside the framework of evaluating and placing value.
for me the thought behind that phrase has, on numerous occasions, helped me suspend this thing inside my head that is permanently dissatisfied with any and every thing i do. so i see it as a tool. the reason it works is probably that my dad said it to me in the midst of one of my periodic breakdowns at school, when i was feeling i just couldn’t write some paper (the importance of the issue in worldly terms pales next to the emotional reality of my neurotic 19 year old self).
i don’t know how parental causality works – but if there’s a reason i’ve been so hard on myself since early on, it’s my dad and his own way of being in the world. i can’t blame him – largely i absorbed this attitude through osmosis – though he could be pretty tough to please. having him tell me, ‘just get it out the door. finishing is more important than making it perfect,’ had a big impact on me.
it isn’t that i disagree with you, but to me that phrase is a tool to help me deal with a sometimes harsh inner voice, and i value it. it speaks to intention and acts as a reminder not to stop judging myself – since, as i said, i don’t think that’s possible – but to have a better relation to that judging voice, which is, after all, trying to help you and me and everyone – even if it at times causes us more problems than we’d otherwise have.
i like that idea of ‘holding people large’ too.
meant to include a link to explain what a ‘shenpa‘ is, for those who’ve not encountered the term before.
i really appreciate the insight on how that phrase, ‘best you could do’ works for you, pep. we all need tools to work with the harsh and aggressive inner critic. and as i type ‘critic’ i’m reminded how important it is to differentiate between being critical and being judgemental.
thinking about what you wrote i’m also trying to tease out the values we assign when we make judgements, as its easy to spin out with the values taking on some large global meaning about ourselves. this is where curiosity comes in handy. so for instance, i love good food, but i love junk food too. i eat junk food sometimes when i’m sad. bringing awareness to that behavior has been helpful but also has trying to contain the judgment around that behavior so i’m not saying to myself i’m a looser cause i eat a hoho or i can’t be a foodie and eat doritos. these aren’t maybe the best examples, but they’ll have to do.
thinking about shenpa i remember pema chodron saying that almost every time she gives a talk on shenpa people attending the talk fall asleep.
thinking about my response more, it has me wondering about my own development – how i still have a very hard time approaching things that require real effort on my part while trying to maintain that openness (non-judgmental experiencing of reality – and maybe the distinction between judgment (ubiquitous, in my view at least) and judgmental is really what you’re getting at).
not sure any of that made sense – what i mean is that when i have to try hard at something, i’m not sure how to do it without using some of those judgmental ways of perceiving. work in progress.
what you said made sense, pep. and distinguishing between judgment and being judgmental was so right on. a sense judgment is not just ubiquitous, but necessary. but suddenly i’m thinking about judgment and taste i think mostly b/c i’ve been looking at a lot of art today.
if being judgmental is going to help the quality of the work and quality is what is what i need to be focusing on, i try to harness the judgmentalness in and focus it on the work and not on me, per se. some work, especially creative work, is about practice and process and there i just try to let my judgmentalness exist, but not attach a lot of weight to it. lots of other situations aren’t either/or, but are really some balance. does that make sense?
it does make sense. this conversation has me wanting to try to counterbalance that judgmentalness when i’m making that effort and see if i can get things done with a different approach. experience tells me learning how to push myself with a gentler touch would be all the more productive.
we don’t have a culture that teaches you how to gently push yourself. i’d be really interested in hearing how it goes with a softer approach. i’m not at a very gentle place, but i am moving torwards neutrality and curiosity. gentleness feels quite a ways off, sometimes, at least with myself.