proteanme

Sometimes I feel like my whole life right now is the calm before the storm. It’s weird too because I was telling my girl in western mass that as I get to feeling more solid in myself, the ground beneath me gets to feeling more hollow. I flail around a lot, try to interrupt old patterns, reach out to connect to someone and feel like I’m a little too lost in the metaphorical part of life.

More than one person has told me I seem angry, but they are also people with whom I’ve been so accomodating in the past that I’m not sure what to do with their feedback. I notice that I am much less patient with some folks when their approach is not working for me. And I think that happens more when there’s no wiggle room in the approach for anything but their own point of view. We’re not collaborating; we’re not negotiating; we’re even not trying to reach an understanding.  Half the time I feel like all that’s happening is at best they are patiently waiting their turn to ‘hold forth’ in hopes of trying to win me over or bend me to their will. Either way it feels like there’s not much room for me or my experience.

It gets tricky because I’m trying to figure out how to be responsible for myself on a deep level and how to be open and solid all at the same time. And sometimes I just fuck up – treat someone or myself poorly, spin out on fear or fantasy, indulge in self righteousness or self pity.