testing the waters

December 19, 2007

I’m never sure how personal I want to be on my blog, in part because I keep my feelings pretty close to the vest. In fact I would say I struggle to access them at times, which is some what of a different issue. But anyway, the other part is this is a public forum, and it’s easy to be misread, misunderstood, misinterpreted, or someone just misses the fucking boat, ya know.

Having said that, I’m going to test the waters a bit with something a little more personal. I’ve been thinking lately that I’ve kinda grown up to be the guy I thought I’d be. And yes, I said guy, and yes. I said that on purpose. When I was a kid I never conceived I would grow up to be a woman. Thinking that’s dissonant? Yeah, me too. I wanted to say that here because I’ve been living with this disparity all my life and been afraid to tell a damn soul. Ok, maybe I’ve told at least a few damn souls., plus I don’t need to over dramatize this.

I know many folks mistake me for a lesbian, and I understand why, but it doesn’t work for me. Lord, I don’t know how to explain, although I think the lesbians get it. But , think of the real lesbians ya know and then think of me, really. Think of who I’ve been with and who my good friends are. Something not adding up?! And it’s not like I want to transition either. Transition meaning become a guy, which is the trend out here. Fuck, for one thing if I was a guy everybody would just say I was a pussy. I’m not macho. I’m a geek who can only pull off looking tough, if I take a wide stance and keep my mouth shut. But the other thing is even as much as I envy male privilege, I don’t want to occupy that space or deal with those expectations. Soooo, here I am, the guy I kinda thought I’d be – dated alot of beautiful women, put out one rock record, am working with a bunch of other guys making things. Whew… got sidetracked in my mind with the revelation that except for women I’ve always aimed low, cause I wasn’t sure what I could expect from a world where I didn’t see a place for myself.

I know there are some people who don’t see a place for themselves and that fuels them to carve one out. Thus far I’ve not been one of those people, but I’m also a late bloomer. So don’t count me out.

I gotta eat some dinner.


8 responses to “testing the waters”

  1. Indigo Coleman says:

    Hey Lizard. I love you. All I see when I look at you is my beautiful, talented, caring, loving friend. What is essential is invisible to the eye. Be happy. You’re beautiful.
    Indigo (Tricia) Coleman (soon to be Friedlander)

  2. proteanme says:

    Thank you so much Tricia for such a kind response to my stream of consciousness. Lord knows you’ve probably seen more of this process than anyone else. I’ve been thinking about you this month. Isn’t it 3 days until you’re a Friedlander? That is so cool.

  3. JimA says:

    “Don’t count me out.” I love that. That was good for me to read today. Thanks!

  4. ned says:

    i hope you also mean that you’re pleased with the guy you thought you’d become – cause i like my friend Liz. when are you coming back to Indiana?

  5. Clint says:

    No surprise (to me) you’re the guy you thought you’d be. That’s rare among guys, I think. In my short, happy acquaintance with you, you are incisively reflective and perceptive. I can imagine you saw this coming. Cheers.

  6. proteanme says:

    clint, jim, ned – you guys rock. thanks for the thoughtful and encouraging commments. means alot to me. i wanna come to indiana in 08 for sure. long weekend probably, maybe in june or something when the weather still sucks out here.

  7. pep says:

    huzzah, liz! break that ground. i’m looking forward to venturing out to portland and finally meeting you. i’m jealous of youse guys out there.

  8. Bill says:

    Go Liz! You are brave as hell and plenty tough.

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