i didn’t know
August 4, 2008
God damn, I’m feeling heart broken these last couple days. My therapist pointed out that I’ve been saying for a while that I wanna feel heart break — if heartbreak is what’s gonna come out of certain situations. I just didn’t dwell a lot on how that might actually feel. Working with my fears around flying has taught me a lot about not getting too caught up in anticipatory junk. It’s funny, funny not being the right word at all, how your can feel so certain in your heart about some things, like loving Indiana, and how that love can’t move the mountains that make it impossible to do more than love it from a distance. ANd me I’m not ready for loving those immovable mountains.
First let me say it was awesome to see you to be around you – as always!
Next let me say I never could picture or prepare for heartbreak – it always hit me so hard and was so alien then I thought. It would be like I had completely forgotten the sensation each time it came around. Your ‘Mind’ is definitely your worst enemy when it comes to that even now I don’t remember what I did with all that lost sleep, that outta focus reality when I didn’t eat or take care of myself, where I literally staggered around like a zombie,etc…
I second the emotion of how awesome it was to be around you too. And now with all the affection I can summon up lemme say that you, Ned, Bec – you’re all part of the heart break. Because I love you guys and feel at home with you guys and I’m out here and you all are back there. The thing is I just never came home with such an open heart the way I came home this time. Never came home longing for it and for you all the way I did. So I’m kinda swimming in mud these days. Dunno if that makes sense.