how things are
Biden did a good job last night. And I agree Pep, maybe we’ll pull this one out. My fingers are crossed for sure. I gave some money today. My god, I just can’t imagine the alternative to Obama/Biden becasue because we’re already in such a fucking shit storm. I don’t even wanna say the other ticket’s names because living under their administration is utterly unthinkable.
Oh man, I wish I could articulate all that I’ve come to understand about myself lately, but every time I try it ends up coming out kinda fucked up because the language I have to describe my human condition is so loaded. If I say something in me is broken, everyone except my therapist responds with a kind and loving version of “but you don’t know, you might change; you might fix it”, which is sweet. But I wanna figure out how to to adapt, how to to work with what got fucked up (for lack of better words). I don’t wanna be the super disabled dude who climbs a mountain; I’m fine being the guy with a ramp to get his chair up into his house. Dunno if this analogy is working. For some reason I’m thinking about how I’ve always loved playing rhythm guitar, never been a lead kinda guy. Anyway, what’s so wrong with figuring out one’s limits, one’s capacity, the boundaries of tolerance for things like being vulnerable and open. So what if I’m not quite as capable in some areas as others, does that make me incapable? Even now I’m not sure I’m getting at this the with the right words or ideas, but I thought I’d give it a try. Among other things I grew up with a lot of dissonance and darkness, as well a kind of understated danger about wanting or needing someone. I lost something along the way and even if I don’t get it back, it doesn’t mean I can’t figure out how to move forward on the things I want in my life and make adjustments. Like, if the way I love large, looks faint, then I need to find a girl, to whom it looks obvious.
I’ve been listening to this Johnny Cash version of Wichita Lineman. It’s a great cover. Just great. I love that Rolling Stone called it the first the first existential country song, because it resonates with this lone and longing cowboy motif I’ve been exploring in therapy.
That’s a topic that I’ve been wrestling with most of my life and have come to think I’ll never completely resolve – there are important turns along the path. “What am I?” On one level you can say ‘I/we’ve all got infinite potential, so if I say I’m ‘X’ (whether it’s positive – I’m a nice person or not, I’m only able to handle so much stress before I go bonkers) I place limits on that potential. Yet constantly answering everything w/ ‘Well, I haven’t been X but I could be’ might lead to a lot of frustration of trying to be ‘something I’m not.’
So where do you draw the line at genuine self-recognition and artificially placing limits? This has come up for me in so many ways – in terms of sexual orientation, career aptitude, and basic sense of self in the world. It’s been so helpful to get out of the binds I’ve created for myself at times (‘I’m not that dork those kids were targeting high school. I’m another kind of dork altogether and I’m happy with that.’), but sometimes those binding self-definitions are helpful. ‘I can’t do or be everything and that recognition makes life easier to deal with.’
In a way I think of it as a struggle between mind and body. My mind says, You can be anything and the idea that you can’t is stinking thinking. My body says, some things work better than others and learn to listen to that inner voice to increase you happiness in the world. The first can get totally abstracted from the world, and the second can work as complacency and convenience seeking. It comes down to one of those issues of finding the right balance – I guess I’ve resigned myself to never having the concrete sense of “I am this” that I’ve wanted, but I’m getting more comfortable with the mystery (of self, society, universe).
I had a really good connection w/ my therapist in Denver and a lot of it was the space to investigate myself without the kind of gentle good wishes of friends/family, which at times can take on the feeling of a burden. It’s really good to have someone who, while concerned for you, can help you look at yourself as plainly as possible. Keep going!
Thanks for thoughtful and candid reply. This is such good stuff to mull over Pep. I think I might use it a springboard for another post if you don’t mind. Specifically, the idea of limits.