back on the other side the world

November 14, 2008

I am back in Portland. And in a daze. I don’t really know where to begin in talking about my travels, as it was so much more a journey of the heart than anything else. Had I combined this trip with a stop in Indiana my heart my just might have burst.

One funny thing that occurred that I didn’t expect was that I missed Portland. I missed riding my bike and drinking good coffee and walking around my neighborhood and making contact with co-workers and neighbors. I missed the every day familiarity and comfort that grounds me and keeps me connected to the world when I’m so lost in my head. I even missed the idea that just around the corner is the most mind blowing hike or day trip or backpacking weekend, which is quite funny to me because for the better part of this last year I’ve been railing on the how I can’t deal with the relentlessness of the stunning landscape of the Northwest. In fact, I had to laugh at myself on the bus ride up from NYC to Northampton when I looked out the window and found myself longing to see something tall and then felt so grateful as we left Connecticut and the low mountain ranges of western Mass finally came into view. Like it or not, Oregon has imprinted itself on my brain.

I missed all those things because I’ve been thinking of leaving them. I don’t have a plan, just in case anyone is wondering.  I have vague ideas and dreamy notions and all this last year I’ve been opening up to the thought of moving away from Portland, a thought which scares me. For lots of reasons.  Like it scares me because I crave familiarity and routine and I’ve found that here. Along with some things that make part of every day work for me. And some people I love.  But one thing that is clear to me is I really can’t hold on to the life I have if I want to have the life that’s waiting for me. That all probably sounds much more dramatic and fateful than I intend, because I really don’t know what’s waiting. But I do get that to really open a door to one thing, to open it and go all the way in, that means I have close the door on other things.


3 responses to “back on the other side the world”

  1. ned says:

    Glad you had a nice trip – sounds like you’re in a Book of the Dead/Jacob’s Ladder place right now. Gotta let go of one thing to move on to the next. Good luck with it.

  2. JimA says:

    Yes, to open one door, we sometimes have to close another, but we don’t have to lock it 😉

  3. proteanme says:

    I’ve just committed to so few things in my life that at this point the whole open and closed door thing seems daunting to me. And I’ve realized even with small tings, like say I really wanted to practice yoga, I’d have to close the door time wise on other things.

    But I hear ya on not locking doors, as in I’m so glad I didn’t do that with Indiana when I moved out here.

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