proteanme

Sometimes I hate loving things too much. Or loving anything at all. And I go about the business of shutting down, turning off the music and putting down the pen, eating junk, doing nothing on the computer and buying stuff I don’t need, except with less and less excess and vigor as I get older. I swear it’s like I can’t even put my heart into being shut down. I just go through the motions. Which is what I’ve been doing since I came back from my trip out east. But then something happens like a friend sends an email to say she enjoyed finishing off the dish I brought to her pot luck and was feeling dubious about. And at the last minute RU came to dim sum with me this morning and we had a real nice time.  And later I talked to my sister, who I haven’t talked to in months and it made my day. Made my day even if I didn’t want it to because I’m not sure I want anything to make my day because made days are as impossible as unmade ones. I understand life is impossible. It really is. You don’t get to negotiate with it at all. Fariness is an illusion. Seriously. I’m trying to figure out how to be ok with that. Curious even. I’m not one for resolutions. But I’ve been working with how to be curious about impossibilities for about 6 years. Here’s to year number seven.