i wanna feel alive

March 2, 2009

I’m more sad than I thought I would be. I was going to write more fucked up, but really I think it’s just more sad.  A lot of it is about my dad dying and facing all that means, including the current state of affairs with my family, which is on the brutal side. But there are other things too: the girl I like in western Mass is sicker than she’s ever been, the job situation is starting to feel pretty unstable and the layoffs were a big hit, and it’s not just me, RU got laid off, and then there’s this growing feeling that Portland isn’t the right fit. All of it scares the shit out of me, and at the same time it all touches on a big bunch of sadness. I’m often tempted to spin out on future tripping, but then I work at reminding myself it’s not real. The future is in my head. And I can move torward it, trying to shape my life in a way that I think will have more meaning to me, including and maybe most important the movement itself. I’ve lived so much of my life in response to external events. I swear I’ve hunkered down for years at a time, as though I was waiting for something bad to happen. And the few times I’ve made a choice and committed to it – quitting the Youth Shelter, going back to school – I was so scared, but I also felt so alive.

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one response to “i wanna feel alive”

  1. love notes says:

    thinking of you.

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