donuts
March 19, 2009
What to say when mostly what I want to say is “fuck it”. The thing is I’m not getting done the things I’d wanted to get done, like writing or playing music or working out or updating my resume. In part, it’s because my sleep is not so great and my energy level has taken a hit. But I think the larger part is that right now I can’t stand to open myself up to heartbreak or hope or longing or disappointment. I don’t want to deal with wanting something.
So I’m doing what I can to get by. Going to work. Cooking food. Doing my dishes. Riding me bike. Paying my bills. Reading the New Yorker in bits. Watching TV here and there. Eating donuts. I love donuts.
i love donuts too, a guilty pleasure, since they’ve got no redeeming value nutritionally. but i love salad, so i figure there’s balance in spots. the new yorker is like a pool of articles and cartoons that accumulates without my knowing, now that i live with someone who gets home earlier than me, but i dip into it almost at random and come across great stuff.
the new one has a good article about ponzi schemes – still need to finish.
keep on building that rhythm, i say. rhythm is resonance with the universe and can create more energy than you put into it. good to have those desires as guidance – isn’t it healthy? – the hunger that teaches us how to feed ourselves. that’s a fundamental question i’ve always had w/ buddhism – desire – i can see how it leads to addictive thinking, getting trapped in fleeting realities, illusions, but it’s necessary for the species. i won’t say it’s necessary for life at all, but in some sense i think it is. if a being doesn’t want what sustains it – whether physical or, in more complex life forms, emotional – how does it thrive and propagate?
fake it til you make it, as they say. i wish we could debug our emotional states, scan through the patterns of our minds and find the places where we might make corrections to improve our happiness. and maybe there’s something to that, but i guess i also think sometimes you just have to plow through the down periods and promise yourself that it will get better eventually.
no hope. no fear. or at least that’s what the buddhists say. not that i’m really buddhist. well, i’m kind of a secret buddhist wanna be. but i’m all about plowing through and i like better just as much, but neither lasts, which is usually where i got stuck — in the desire for the better to last and down times to pass quickly. which is also a good time to have a donut or read the new yorker or dust or take a nap or cry.