proteanme

It’s the day after my birthday and the sun has come out for a little bit. It’s like a belated wish, which I like because it extends the celebration a touch longer. Plus every bit of sun feels so dreamy right now and I’ve missed that dreamy feeling. I wondered sometimes last year, especially when I was feeling the weight of my grief, if I would ever get that dreamy feeling back. Or more accurately, if I’d ever want to get that dreamy feeling back. I’ve been struggling so much with wanting to want anything. Even now that hardest part of grief seems to have lifted, something about putting myself out there and wanting something – it feels a bit like climbing Mount Everest. But the sun pushes the dreaminess on me before I can figure out how to resist it. It’s a great a trick. Must be the warmth and the light and the color of the sky – how it’s not some cerebral experience – especially from the saddle of my bike. I think that’s part of why I’ve been struggling so much to deal with this record breaking rain. I need the sunshine to open up the things I can’t open on my own.