anything could happen

January 13, 2008

Just got back from taking RU to the airport. It’s too early to be up on a Sunday morning, but here I am at 6:45am, headphones on so as not to disturb my neighbors, and lights off as a nod to the dark and misty beginning of another winter morning in Portland. Being awake in this dark feels like I’m cheating on the daylight a little, but sometimes I feel so vulnerable these days that I need some cover to go about the business of really being alive.

Something happened or started happening a couple months ago, maybe this summer, probably longer, that revealed to me I can travel down a different path than the one I’ve been on, which feels incredibly corny to say, and I immediately want to edit that out, but I think the point is to leave it in. It’s about the intention to wake up in the morning and say, “I wonder what’s going to happen today?” To be aware of my longings and desires and insecurities and indignations and fears without being attached to doing anything about them. To not feel threatened when nothing is happening in my life. To see my being uncomfortable in the world as invitation to be open and free and loving and compassionate.

But I’m afraid the rug’s gonna have to get pulled out from under my feet to really try out this whole path, and I’m very afraid that rug pulling out thing means RU and I really have to end our relationship. I know I said we broke up about a year ago, and while that’s true, the fact is we’re still in love. And even if we’re not technically together, we are still very much involved. And it’s very possible that we may finally be at the point of either committing or ending. Really ending. Ending, ending. Over.

I would be at a loss over that ending.

I was talking to a friend about falling in love, a topic that’s hard enough to tackle without lapsing into cliche or cynicism, but may be even harder for me to do right now without risking revealing my heartbreak. And half the time I’m not even sure I’m willing to admit my heart is broken, let alone allow even a friend to see that tenderness.

But I want to take that risk here. Falling in love with RU was such a joy and still being in love with RU, with all of its blemishes, makes for a richer experience of the world. For us, love was this process of self revelation (still is), but neither one of us may have been up for it. Nor did we have had lots of practice to rely on when revelation got uncomfortable. But that didn’t matter – I think because we had so much yearning. The funny thing is that after that first year we both started discovering self awareness is not particularly sexy or exciting, and it has the potential to bring up lots of fucking insecurity, which is hard not to hate and hard not to want to crush, and such urges are hard on a relationship. RU and I had a pretty imperfect relationship, but I love how ambitious we were about love. Ambitious in the way a record or book or movie can be, even if its deeply flawed.

So, I see this path and I’m reluctantly on it because none of the old distractions work any more, even if I keep trying some of them. And I want to say out loud, so to speak, I wish I could be on this path with RU as my partner, not because it would be safer, but because I love knowing her and being known by her. And I would rather know my life with her in it.

There it is. All the things I’ve been holding on to so tightly but not wanted to say out loud for the last year.

I remember so many mornings waking up early with RU and she would say, “Are you ready to greet the day?” Well, the sun’s out now and I’m not done in by all this. Just sad and scared and tired. Good morning, Sunday.

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