proteanme

Ever since I turned 50 (gasp), I  have been thinking about aging. In large part, because I can no longer ignore it. The physical signs have made themselves apparent. Some of it I embrace, like the silver hair and the reading glasses. Some of it I tolerate, like the wrinkles and lines and looser skin. Some of it I don’t talk about publicly, like menopause. I alternate between being pissed and feeling defeated by how it’s 1000 times harder to get in shape and 100o times easier for it to all go to pot. I try not to freak out that I’ve gone from having an incredible memory for all sorts of facts and figures to forgetting names of things, like bands and books and sometimes people. It’s all very strange and it don’t think it helps that I never set many goals that corresponded to age related milestones, like by 40 I want to have done a, b and c and by 50 I want to have done x, y and z. I’m not sure what that would have helped with exactly, but it seems like it would have helped with something. Like a list of achievements could balance out a bunch of new wrinkles.

Talking about this is like coming out again. I feel a little like I did when I was a baby dyke, but now I am a baby old person. I cringe when I hear people I know try and guess at the age of someone and say something like “hes old, like 50 or something.” Or when people tell me I look great for my age. Just say I look great or maybe that I don’t look a day over 40. Seriously. Save the age related compliments for those 90 and up (although it might piss them off too). For me, I’ve gotten better looking as I’ve gotten older, which I’m not saying from vanity, but more from a thank god perspective. I had to age into me. Also, I think I might start telling people they look great for a being a 32 year old or a 26 year old. See what happens.  Whew, I’m off on a tangent.

The thing I wanted to talk about more than the above rant was how intellectually, you understand you will age, but emotionally you really don’t believe it until it starts happening to you. Probably something similar to getting pregnant or things changing after you get married. There’s probably hundred of examples of stuff like that. That you need experiential knowledge of to really get.

Well I need to eat so I can go see a movie, I think. I just got going on this post and it’s kind of interesting and kind of embarrassing and vulnerable too, but I think it’s ok.