proteanme

A couple months ago I kinda stopped watching TV. It’d become like a drug, really. And life’s been interesting since I gave up on the regular dose. (Interesting is not really the best word, but I don’t wanna loose my train of thought by tripping up on vocabulary right now.) Something inside me feels hollowed out and at times big and at other times uncomfortably exposed. I find myself struggling with the urge to fill it up quick, then shut the lid. Usually the first thing I’d do is reach for something to eat, but I’ve been bringing a lot more attention to eating (food and hunger and habits) and while not super rigorous, I’ve become a more mindful eater. Food as a filler is not a workable option. Actually, I’m trying not to derive filling from anything, and not just the usual suspects, like window shopping or doodling, but also reading, going to the movies, and hanging out with friends just cause I’m lonely. Emptying things out has sure has helped me connect things that I’d never seen as having bearing on each other and that’s been been pretty revealing. But there’s a starkness to some of my days and I’ve not slept well for a number of weeks. Something in me feels restless and like it needs soothing. Even typing that is getting to a tender place I didn’t even know I had.