feeling at home
April 17, 2008
A warning that this not been real well thought through, but I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve been searching for so long for some place or someone that feels like home, and lately I’ve been getting the message that maybe I need to re-group the search party and start trying to find that sense of home inside myself. I think some people and some places are gonna be more right than others, but I think what I’m looking for ain’t out there. I’ve been feeling sad about this for a while, until right now, and right now I can see a little freedom in that endeavor.
i do relate to this and the feelings around it. in the most ultimate sense i have come to the same place.
within that i can say that there have been those that have a way of such wonderful respect for what is my light, darkness, all of my colors in whatever proportion at any given point in time. a tall order! unconditional love you might say. so in that space it becomes easier to find my home inside myself and from there connect to the other person. then there a lot of other factors that make me connect to someone, many of which are intangible..like energy or smell.
i have found that most easily and consistently with animals and in nature that just reflect back me to me. sometimes with people…but not necessarily permanent and not always consistent. this flux has been difficult for me — people coming in and out of my inner circle as i grow and change or they do.
have you ever read “letters to a young poet” by ranier maria rilke (translated by Stephen Mitchell)? from your writings i might recommend this if you haven’t…and would specifically recommend this translator vs. others. it has been one of my favorite for a long time.
i really like your description of the intangible things that foster some connections. i’m trying to be more aware of them myself. and i’m trying not grasp at things that seem like they should make connection easier, although i’m not having much luck on this lately.
i guess i’ve always had a lot of flux in my inner circle, so much so that i don’t really have an inner circle, leaving me feeling a little too a drift at times.
i’ll definitely check out the translation you recommended of rilke. thanks so much for suggesting it.