proteanme

Waking up in the dark. Wow. And I don’t mean that as a euphemism. I mean wow, its fall, with a capital “F”, as in the Fall. And fall means lots of things, like bike lights for sure now on the morning ride to works. And gotta start remembering to pack my rain gear too and be sure to keep my warmer gloves and headband in my pannier. And probably should take the fan out of my bedroom window, although I like hunkering down and sleeping under 2 blankets, and  probably should put up the hammock and other stuff on the deck and roll up the hoses and begin to think about pruning and moving some stuff around the yard. And I need to think about cleaning out the garden. I don’t think my volunteer pumpkins will ever turn orange, at least not all the way. But I am hoping I can still get some tomatoes and more green beans from the garden and I plan on leaving the kale in until next spring.

I’m saying all of this out loud as a way to try to get myself to say yes to fall, however reluctantly I am to do that. Fall has historically been my least favorite season. I know, I know – the crisp air, the blue skies, the changing leaves, the wool sweaters, the apples and the soups and stews and warm drinks. I get it. Intellectually I understand fall’s charm. I think emotionally, I’ve just associated too strongly with fall’s dark side; plus, I had a bunch of shitty falls in a row, especially in my 20s. And the funk stuck in some small part of my heart. And even though this fall is starting out on a note that’s the very exact opposite of shitty, I still don’t know what to with the new darkness and knowing even more darkness will follow it. I am not ready for the rain. I am never ready for the rain. Once it starts raining all the time, I always ask myself why I am living in a place that’s located in a rain forest. It’s not like I get off on complaining about the weather. I am coming with a plan for the fall and rain this year which includes, at least theoretically, writing more, listening to and playing more music, spending more time with people I like and riding my bike more than commuting to work. Alright, fall, yes.