proteanme

There is something kinda strange going on with me. This last week when I was at these straight and mainstream places, like Clyde Common, and events, like a book reading, I had these very visceral responses of  “get me the fuck outta here.” As in I don’t want to have to deal with this straight and mainstream shit one more minute than I have to. I swear I could have actually run out of this one event last week. Like, actually moved my feet in fast like running way. It was weird and surprising and I feel like I’m tapping into some under current that I can’t quite name right now because it would be premature to jump to conclusions. But in short, it feels like I’m coming out again, except I’ve been out now for over 32 years, so rationally it doesn’t make any sense. Still, it feels like I want to go find a queer world and just live there and stop trying to live in this other world in which I and tons of people I know are ignored or stared at or blown shit or worse (although typically, worse does not happen in Portland).

Also, sometimes lately, I look at planes in the sky and think I want to be on one of them. That happened yesterday. I’m not dreaming of vacation, either. It’s like all this open hearted work (and I hesitate to call it work) I’ve been doing is not just opening up my heart, but  it’s opening up all of my life, which wasn’t my plan. Well, plan is not the right word; it’s more like I just wasn’t thinking about what would happen. Or that anything would happen at all, except maybe deeper feelings and being more connected and authentic (which is a problematic word – authentic is). And even though I said earlier that I wasn’t jumping to conclusions, I can easily guess that what is happening is as I open up more, I am finding that the way I’m living my life, or I’ve set up my life, is not working for me. Probably in some fundamental way. And even though I know I should think of this as a good sign, because I am at a good place to make changes, sometimes I find it all kind of sad and scary. How many times in my life do I do this thing?  Thing = change big things in my life. And would it help to rephrase that as how many times in my life do I GET to do this thing? Also, is rephrasing really gonna trigger a shift in perspective that makes me feel better.

I am the one calling my blog “protean me.” I have named myself as “changeable.” And there’s a lot of great bonuses about being a pretty adaptable and versatile person. I am not the me I was at 20 or 30 or 40. I did not get stuck in a way that would make it impossible to change, which would suck, immeasurably. And I keep finding so many interesting things and people in the world to engage with. Both in heartfelt and intellectual ways. That’s lucky, right?! That’s being alive?! Or that’s my way of being alive. I feel like all my life, I’ve been making it up. I mean making up my life. Making up myself. Even though I am not all that radical and certainly radical people would never consider me radical. It’s just there’s never been a lot to go on. But don’t all queers feel that way to some degree or another?

I imagine that I am revealing way too much here, but also I think it is ok. It is all practice for being vulnerable, anyway. But I don’t want it to sound like I am falling apart, though, because I’m not and I’m not fishing for sympathy, either.  I think there is something fundamental that I am trying to figure out about being who I am and doing the things I love and putting the rest to the side. Life is so short. I mean that as the kindest reminder I can say to myself.