proteanme

So a black man is president and I’m still a second class citizen in my own fucking country. It’s a bitter sweet pill to swallow and mostly I’m focusing on the sweet part. I didn’t want this election to turn on gay marriage, but damn it sucks to be confronted with spite and hate.

I watched the election with friends and was not at all impressed with any talking head who tried to sum up the historical nature, the watershed moment, we all participated in last night. But give some people microphones and time slots and they will fill it up anyway. For me it was kinda like our Berlin Wall coming down. And Jessie Jackson tearing up said what no pundit could express anyway.  I left to come home feeling subdued, not that it’s unusual for me to hold back, and I sat down to watch Obama speak by myself and I just started crying. I was moved and proud to be a second class America citizen. I feel forever grateful to all the good people who worked the Obama campaign.

Biden did a good job last night. And I agree Pep, maybe we’ll pull this one out. My fingers are crossed for sure. I gave some money today. My god, I just can’t imagine the alternative to Obama/Biden becasue because we’re already in such a fucking shit storm. I don’t even wanna say the other ticket’s names because living under their administration is utterly unthinkable.

Oh man, I wish I could articulate all that I’ve come to understand about myself lately, but every time I try it ends up coming out kinda fucked up because the language I have to describe my human condition is so loaded.  If I say something in me is broken, everyone except my therapist responds with a kind and loving version of “but you don’t know, you might change; you might fix it”, which is sweet. But I wanna figure out how to to adapt, how to to work with what got fucked up (for lack of better words).  I don’t wanna be the super disabled dude who climbs a mountain; I’m fine being the guy with a ramp to get his chair up into his house. Dunno if this analogy is working. For some reason I’m thinking about how I’ve always loved playing rhythm guitar, never been a lead kinda guy. Anyway, what’s so wrong with figuring out one’s limits, one’s capacity, the boundaries of tolerance for things like being vulnerable and open. So what if I’m not quite as capable in some areas as others, does that make me incapable? Even now I’m not sure I’m getting at this the with the right words or ideas, but I thought I’d give it a try. Among other things I grew up with a lot of dissonance and darkness, as well a kind of understated danger about wanting or needing someone. I lost something along the way and even if I don’t get it back, it doesn’t mean I can’t figure out how to move forward on the things I want in my life and make adjustments.  Like, if the way I love large, looks faint, then I need to find a girl, to whom it looks obvious.

I’ve been listening to this Johnny Cash version of Wichita Lineman. It’s a great cover.  Just great. I love that Rolling Stone called it the first the first existential country song, because it resonates with this lone and longing cowboy motif I’ve been exploring in therapy.

All these disparate things I’ve been mulling over this year are coming together, which is amazing, but overwhelming. I’m at this interesting place of not wanting to romanticize or pathologize what makes me tick, so to speak, and I hope I can stay in this place for a while. There is huge potential for learning. There is the real possibility of adaptation. And now I’m thinking of the tragedy of the Sandman. I know none of this sounds very concrete, but it’s complex and would require so many blog entries and footnotes that I would become sick of myself.

I’m still thinking about David Foster Wallace.  I’ve listened to some audio and watched this interview with Charlie Rose. I wish I would have seen him read. I actually wish I could talk to him, silly as that sounds.

I hope Obama kicks McCain’s ass tonight. I’m soooo sick of this. Seriously, the idea that John McCain and Sarah Palin could be running our country. What a fucking nightmare. What’s the difference between Sarah Palin and a moron? Lipstick, right.  Except hot morons where lipstick and Palin’s not really that hot, at least not to me. And the moron math gets all screwy when you think that Sarah Palin actually said this in an interview with CNBC’s Kudlow & Co. As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?

I know I’ve been quiet here lately.  Frankly, I’m overwhelmed.  First off, the financial crisis and the proposed bail out staggers my mind. Literally.  Thank you Amos for doing such a nice job of commenting on it. And second, I can’t believe the election is right around the corner. Tanque has been has been keeping the blog flame lit the last couple weeks with lots of election related posts, which has rocked.  Including his endorsement of the Obama/Biden ticket. I think there was mention of my name in some comment about being inspired or hopeful about Obama. And I wanna clear things up and say I don’t feel either of those. The fact is I don’t look to a presidential candidate for hope or inspiration.  But I am inspired by the those folks who feel inspired by Obama. I think it’s a good ticket. They’ve got my vote. I think there’s a chance with Obama/Biden we can get things done that need doing. I want the conversation to change on a national level and Dems can do that. But c’mon these are politicians, man. And you don’t stay clean in such a fucking dirty business. Saints don’t run for president.

I feel like lots is going on in my life, but when you look at the shape of my days, you wouldn’t know it. I still find great joy in a sharp chef’s nice and fully inflated bike tires, the company of friends and the long stretches of quiet and time alone in between. I’m still purging and spent last weekend helping RU clean out our old basement. Whew! I did like that it was all very butch in a very classical butch kinda way, like driving a big pick up truck full of crap, most of which I’d hauled and lifted into the bed myself. RU has a fucked up back. The purge was a not the first choice for how I wanted to spend my weekend, but it bubbled up to the top after a failed attempt at camping in Indian Heaven on Mt Adams. It was just too dang foggy up there. And out here fog will kill your ass. I’m serious.

Mostly I’ve been trying to pay attention to the everyday details in my life and how I spend my time. The intention is to better align the external with the internal. It’s tricky, cause it doesn’t always add up. But it’s a good practice and hopefully it will become habit. To that end I’ve been having some kind of intense exchanges with my girl in western Mass and there are no conclusions to draw there except abstract ones, like a deeper understanding of the equation of capacity. If that sounds poetic, well it kinda is. Not that it doesn’t have very real implications. These things aren’t mutually exclusive.

I wanna a put plug in here to try and get as many of you all as I can to try green cleaning. Better for you, the environment and if you make your own solutions better for your wallet.

Thinking of Palin using a yahoo account to conduct state business — it’s just wrong on so many levels.  And all of the sudden I’m worried that the great mass of morons will want to elect another moron into office. I’m never been convinced that the popular vote is a good thing when running a government and this just adds fuel to the fire on that note.

I was compelled to read this article about focus groups after getting hooked by this great lead in for the link: What Do Focus Groups Actually Tell Us? The only thing I can conclude is that swing voters are f-cking morons. The tag line made me thinking about morons fucking and the article made me think about how to win the moron vote. Ahhh, an afternoon spent in deep thought.

Stayed up to watch Obama’s acceptance speech last night. Good stuff. Although Bill still gets the highest marks from me. The former President knows how to do it. He makes it look like the most natural thing in the world. What a gift, man. But anyway, Obama still gets good marks. And I’d love to see if this guy really can be at the forefront of issuing in a new era of government. Wow, wouldn’t that just blow everyone away. But I’d sign up to work as part of that government.

I watched this convention mostly because it was so historical and that in and of itself did provide some unexpected inspiration. To see so many women and African Americans on stage, not just as tokens, but as integral party members, was moving. Looked more like my world looks, minus raging queers. In fact, queers seemed suspiciously absent, unless I missed something, which is quite possible. I did find myself having a couple disassociative moments at the end of Obama’s speech when he called for compromises on abortion and gay marriage. A reminder of my still marginal status here in the US, being a dyke and having a uterus. For some reason it made me feel even more pissed and sad coming from the mouth of someone who should understand how much it sucks to be marginalized. I get it though. It’s about the economy and the war and global warming and I don’t wanna be a wedge issue on either side. Plus, I’m not a one issue voter, even if discrimination against my person, in the form of separate but equal marriage laws is complete and utter bullshit that pisses me off to no end. That’s why the asterisk’s up there. I just wanna say to the Dems, you owe me, ya know.

I’ve haven’t watched the Democratic Convention in a while, but man this year even I’ve been inspired. I dunno if it’s all the African American faces and the old school soul music or all the women on stage, but I’m almost moved to hope. Hillary gave a great speech last night. And Michelle Obama rocked the house the night before. Ted Kennedy wasn’t too shabby either. I keep waiting for a big butch dyke to get up there, but that’s another 10 or 20 years off. Still I did hear Hillary say gay rights last night.

Barak/Hillary breakdown by senate bills. Interesting stuff. I did find most of his comments about First Women to be condescending, and, frankly not necessary for his argument. And it made me think of how ingrained misogyny is, which I can elaborate on in my comments if you wanna dialogue about it.

And what is NYT’s problem with abortion?

It is a stunning day for late winter in Portland , all blue sky and sunshine. Sure there’s a little wind, but it’s not cold and mostly not noticeable if you’re not riding into it. It’s like the city is showing us a little thigh, reminding us why we love it so.

It’s funny how disinterested I am in the Hillary/Barak throw down, except I wanna beat McCain. In corresponding with Amos I realized I’m not at all into looking to a presidential candidate for a sense of hope, although I’m moved by how many folks are inspired by Obama. If anything I find more hope in them, than in him. But I’m also aware that with McCain in the race there’s a good chance that Oregon, with it’s fierce libertarian streak, is gonna be in play. So I’m publicly committing myself to working this fall for who ever gets the nod, Clinton or Obama .