proteanme

Back from a too short trip to New York. Some of the highlights were:

• Meeting Amos
• Going to the MOMA
• Lovely weather
• Finding out that the first bahn mi I had was in fact the best bahn mi
• Looking at nice looking ladies
• Hanging out with good friends
• Flying direct

I met this girl a while back who I like a lot, but it’s complicated and she lives on the other side of the country. I’m not saying anything more than that. There’s nothing to tell here, really, just wishing I wasn’t so dang far away.

A warning that this not been real well thought through, but I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve been searching for so long for some place or someone that feels like home, and lately I’ve been getting the message that maybe I need to re-group the search party and start trying to find that sense of home inside myself. I think some people and some places are gonna be more right than others, but I think what I’m looking for ain’t out there. I’ve been feeling sad about this for a while, until right now, and right now I can see a little freedom in that endeavor.

I’ve got a pretty sexy dance mix I’d be willing to post to a hidden page if anyone is interested in getting down on the dance floor. Put your request in the comments with your email and I’ll send you the link.

One of my favorite writers on one of my favorite blogs.

A couple months ago I kinda stopped watching TV. It’d become like a drug, really. And life’s been interesting since I gave up on the regular dose. (Interesting is not really the best word, but I don’t wanna loose my train of thought by tripping up on vocabulary right now.) Something inside me feels hollowed out and at times big and at other times uncomfortably exposed. I find myself struggling with the urge to fill it up quick, then shut the lid. Usually the first thing I’d do is reach for something to eat, but I’ve been bringing a lot more attention to eating (food and hunger and habits) and while not super rigorous, I’ve become a more mindful eater. Food as a filler is not a workable option. Actually, I’m trying not to derive filling from anything, and not just the usual suspects, like window shopping or doodling, but also reading, going to the movies, and hanging out with friends just cause I’m lonely. Emptying things out has sure has helped me connect things that I’d never seen as having bearing on each other and that’s been been pretty revealing. But there’s a starkness to some of my days and I’ve not slept well for a number of weeks. Something in me feels restless and like it needs soothing. Even typing that is getting to a tender place I didn’t even know I had.

In my ears and getting under skin this week: Wilco’s Hate It here, Hercules and Love Affair’s Time Will Tell and Sera Cahoone’s Only as the Day is Long.

Gosh it feels like the last 3 months have been so intense and it feels kinda odd not to have much in the way of big external markers for what’s happening on the inside. I have lost about 20 pounds, but hardly anyone notices. It’s mostly been about music, art, writing, reflection and opening up to new connections, specifically with these three women who are themselves very loosely connected to each other. While the connections differ in intensity, from casual to what has the potential for pretty dang intense, they have these commonalities – imagination, creativity, brains, illness and sex. And lots of words. Sometimes, really, really great words. (Just to clear things up I’m not having sex with all three of them.) I don’t believe the universe is trying to tell me something here, but I still find the coincidences interesting, something to reflect on a little.

All I do is ride my bike back and forth to wherever I’m going, no more than 6 miles at a stretch, but sometimes something in all this feels kinda epic.

Posted some old photos of me, mostly young butch, even with the long hair I think. It was 1972 and all the cool guys I knew had long hair. I wanted to be a cool guy.

Gosh, I’m feeling kinda melancholy today. It’s not something dramatic. It’s not something I’m trying to ward off either. It just is what it is. Lots of little things and nothing big really, although I feel I’ve had some big revelations lately. The funny thing is big revelations don’t always lead to big changes or big action, especially when it’s about mostly understanding who I am in the world. If I had to try and say it better, I’d say things change your life, but that doesn’t mean your life changes. I guess I’ve also had some big longings lately that are just longings, at least for the time being . The “just” in there is not meant to minimize their intensity, but to say I can’t make anything solid come of them, anything more solid than lots and lots of words. Frankly, I’m amazed at the amount of words I got inside me. Sometimes when people say what’s going on, I wanna say nothing much except everything, but that sounds kinda corny.

Good lord, am I so easy that I’ll give it up for some strings and a little trumpet?  I am talking music here, in case I’m giving anybody the wrong idea.